Douchebag of The Week #9: BJ Lovin' Redenbacher

49-year-old men should know better than to try and act cute on their on-line dating profiles, but some don’t. At 49 I really hope you aren’t stoned and drunk. That’s fine in your 20’s and maybe your early 30s, but when your pushing 50 – it’s time to put the pipe down. Unless you need it for glaucoma.

Also, don’t email me and say how even though you are above my age cut-off, your age shouldn’t matter to me because you act like you're 14. I don’t want a 49-year-old dude who acts 14: that pretty much means you are a retarded 50-year-old, and that’s just sad.

Then you brag about how good you are at “something” which we know to mean sex. If you are bragging about it – it means you suck at it.

Also, dogging out your ex-wife on an on-line dating profile makes you look like an asshole with lots of drama in your life.

One last thing – for the love of the gods – you are 50, please don’t use smiley faces everywhere and talk about blow jobs. You're an immature old perv, and I don't want none of that.

Here’s Retarded Redenbacher's Profile:
__________________________________________________________________________________
I am stoned, drunk, and horny. r u??? ;o).

My Self-Summary:
OMG!!!!!! Do you really want to know??? I've made psychiatrists look for a new line of work after a few sessions with me.

What I’m doing with my life:
As little as possible. I'm still waiting for the mother ship to come back to earth to rescue me and take me back home, because there is obviously no intelligent life on this planet.
"BEAM ME UP SCOTTY"!!!!!!!
(or whatever the hell your name is in front of the "beam me up controller" thingy)

I’m really good at:
I think the powers that be will delete it from my profile if I list it here, so to save time and bandwidth, I'll have to tell you later ;o)
(use your imagination) ;o)

The first things people usually notice about me:
I have no freakin idea...... guess you'd have to ask those people. How the hell would I know what people notice about me??? Ask me if I care........ go ahead.......... ask me. :o)
My favorite books, movies, music, and food:

Books:
Harold and the Purple Crayon
(best book ever written. at least until mine is published)
Curious George
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
(or is it Willie Wonka??? I can't remember it's been so long ago)
Where the Wild Things Are

Food:
If it's on my plate and it's not moving, I'll probably eat it, however seafood, italian, and mexican are my favs.

The six things I could never do without
My kids
My Harley
Vegas vacations
Watching my son play baseball
Fishing
a good blowjob ;o)
(hey, I thought honesty was the basis of any lasting relationship, right??? so I'm just being honest here. so sue me. you won't get much.) :o)

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
Reincarnation. When I get reincarnated, I'm going to come back as my ex wife so I can leave me the &*@% alone!!!!! ;o)

On a typical Friday night I am:
Bothering innocent women on the internet. Just haven't found too many innocent women yet. Are there any out there??? Just nod if you can hear me :o)

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here:
I will only whisper it in your ear. Come a little closer. I won't bite. Yes, I will. No, I won't. Well, maybe just a little nibble.
You should message me if
You're really freaking desperate ;o)
(or just want to go have some fun)
(or if you're crazier than I am)
(or all of the above)

Douchebag of the Week #8: Low Hanging Fruit Dude

What is wrong with a person who wants to date someone who is not smart and not good-looking? My guess is he is some kind of control freak. If the lady is too pretty or smart, she might leave him, but most likely she will never call his ass again after the first date. It also sounds like her main competition for this guy’s attention is with various phone sex operators. I sincerely hope that there are no women out their with such shitty self-esteem that they would actually consider contacting this wankshaft.

What kind of woman would respond to dating profile like this? “Hey! I am ugly and stoopid! This is the guy for me!”

Check out this freak’s profile:
____________________________________________________________________________________
52-year-old man

Body type: About average
Height: 5'5" (165cms)
Religion: Other
Smoke: No Way
Drink: Never

About my life and what I'm looking for:
I am chinese and I like to meet ladies that are asian. I like ladies that are nice, caring, thoughtful, and willing to try new things. I like to find someone that is not too smart, just average. I like to meet ladies that are between the age of 33 to 42, average looking, not marry or separate.

For fun:
I like to hear songs of Kenney Roger, Donny Osmond, and etc. I like to eat out at the restaurant, sometimes see movies. In my spare time, I like to talk with ladies on the phone. I also like to collect coins and rolex watches.

Favorite hot spots:
I like to eat all kinds of chinese and american food, the only food I don't like is Indian food, because I went to this restaurant, I didn't eat any of this kind of food. I like to attend any coffee shops. I like to go to reno and Las Vagas.

Favorite things:
My favorite thing to eat is seafoods and all colors are my favorite, except yellow and green. In the rainy day, I like to listen to music, and I like to shop at Mervilyn and Ross department store.

About my date:
Eyes: Black
Height: 5'2" (158cms) to 5'5" (165cms)
Body type: About average, Slender
Ethnicity: Asian, Pacific Islander

What's In A Name: Lesson 1

The screen name you pick for yourself will be one of the first things, if not the first thing, a potential date will see. Just like having a bad profile picture, a bad screen name can have you dateless and home alone choking your smurf.

The screen name you pick for an on-line dating site will be with you for the duration of your existence in the on-line dating world. Your screen name is a window, revealing something about yourself while simultaneously serving as an attention getter. Therefore, a funny screen name could make a potential suitor curious, while a dodgy screen name could have your emails deleted before they are even read.

There’s is nothing worse that checking your on-line profile for email, seeing you have a email from someone with the screen name Born_2_Fart or Dav_poundmuff.

Hello, vomit. Welcome to my mouth. No, don’t leave. Stay a while, and then just go back the way you came.

My buddy Randum was repulsed upon seeing that a man with the screen name “Flower” had contacted her via her on-line dating profile. The irony with Flower is that he has this wussy girly-man screen name, but he looks quite the brute and drives a mustang.

In cyberspace, your screen name reveals a lot about your personality, or a hobby, or a side of you. Select a screen name that says something about you or is a conversation starter; like Scuba_Steve82, knifethrower, or Dave_in_Denver. I also ran across the screen name “notta_douche” a while back, and that made me laugh.

Here are some other crappy screen names I have come across:

Our_Way_2_Fall
Hot_and_need_fun
Manslice1
Thrill_machine
Boobaa67
The1urlookingfor
FISHIN4APRINCESS

What The Fuck Profile #1: The Maritime Murderer

This profile reads like a want ad a serial killer would place in order to find a victim. Why in Satan's hot Hell would you want to take off with someone, alone, on their boat, to South America, when you haven't dated them for at least a couple of months? You body will end up with Natalee Holloway's.

The guy did not even post a picture, so your friends and family could not even tell the police what the guy looked like when the fuzz come by asking who you took off sailing to the Dominican Republic with after your landlord files a missing person report.

This guy may be the head slave trader. Holy shit.

Here's his profile:
____________________________________________________________

Looking for Long Term MATE. Best Frend and LOVER..Let's see the world. Tom , STILL In the D R now 8 / 11 / 09

* 65-year-old man
* seeking women 107-120
* within 4 miles of North Palm Beach, Florida, United States

Body type: No Answer
Height: 7'6" (229cms)
Religion: Spiritual but not religious
Smoke: No Answer
Drink: No Answer

About my life and what I'm looking for:
Do you Think you would like living on A 65 Boat / swimming / travel / adventure !!!! I live and cruse full time aboard a 65' trawler At this TIME 8 / 11 /09 i am in The Dominican Republic, Luperon aboard MV Essential Part getting ready to go south To Putrco Rico St Thomas St john St croix. centeral America and on. Yes the boat is big enough. E mail me if you have any question's There are so many things to cover and try and explain for this life style very easy going.

Looking For My best frend and lover to travel with.
Yes I am a long term cruser since 2003

I like to live in shorts
Work hard play hard
and enjoy life..

I like light jaz swim ,dive ,cook, and see new things and places I make KILLER FUDGE !! cant find any here in the D R maby I should start selling it.. all the other boaters love it, How about U.?

Liveing and crusing on my boat is Not, as much fun alone!!!!!!
I just Renewed my acc for 3 months 4/ 8 / 09 upping anchor on MV /ESSENTIAl PART and moving south slowly destination ??? some place . HOME IS WHERE THE BOAT IS !!
Want to stop in south america to refuel 2 month from now or 1 1/2 years , no watch or calander I will be checking in here as Internet conection permit..
If you have a (REAL INTREST) in this life Style contact ME.. DR at this time 7 / 1/ 09 out of here in three weeks Maby, It is realey nice here and the people are wonderfull .Then to haul the boat and paint bottom so will need to haul in Trinadad at some point ..will spend some time in St Thomas and stay for a wile ( Come on down ....)
Tom

Douchebag Of The Week #7: The Moocher

The one thing this fuckstick has going for him is that he appears to be honest with what kind of woman he is looking for: a red-headed, spineless, money-making mouse.

This guy is a free-loading parasite. He is looking for a rich woman who will take care of him while he drinks, watches mudfights, and goes to titty bars. What woman would hate herself enough to actively pursue the kind of man I see getting pummeled by Judge Judy and Judge Alex for being a deadbeat dad? This guy has nothing to offer the female race but a penis and scrotum cheese, and really girls, we can find dicks anywhere. They even sell cocks in stores now.

I am curious as to whether he doesn’t like to work because his money is taken by the state in order to pay child-support for his 3 kids or if he’s just lazy. I’m guessing both. I wonder if he pays for his on-line dating service subscription with money one of his girlfriends gave him.

Here’s The Moocher’s Profile:
____________________________________________________________________________________

38-year-old man
seeking women 18-70

Relationships: Never Married
Have kids: Yes, and they live away from home (More than 3)
Want kids: Definitely

Religion: Jewish
Smoke: Daily
Drink: Regularly

About my life and what I'm looking for:
Hey I am looking for my lifelong-companion, It's hard for me to describe myself, but I look like a black Mel brooks, I don't like to work, I hope you can support me. I'm laid back, enjoy smoking, NASCAR, wrestling, mudfights, guns, gentlemen's clubs

About me:
Exercise habits: Never
Income: Less Than $25,000
Languages: English, Hebrew
Politics: Ultra Conservative

About my date:
Hair: Auburn / Red
Eyes: Grey
Height: 3'0" (91cms) to 8'0" (244cms)
Body type: Big and beautiful, Full-figured

Languages: English, Hebrew
Ethnicity: No Answer

Job: No Answer
Income: $150,001+

Smoke: Daily
Drink: Regularly

Relationships: Currently Separated

Douchebag Of The Week #6: The Married Guy

Yes, some of the people on these on-line dating websites are married and looking to cheat on their spouses. It happens in real life, unfortunately, and it happens in the on-line realm as well. Some of these married people looking for sexual encounters or girl/boy friends lie and say they're single. Others will tell you their marital status after they lure you in.

I have met some people while on-line dating who have told me they run into married men on occasion. Many times these cheaters do not post pictures on their profiles, just in case someone who knows them runs across it and tells their spouse. I also met one guy who told me about a date he went on where the husband of his date caught her out on a date with him, in the middle of said date. The husband flipped out – rightfully so. This guy had no idea his date was married.

Some people are just assholes and cheat. Look out for these self-serving fuck-sticks as you on-line date, just as you would as you met folks in the bars, nightclubs, and sporting events of real world. Beware of the pictureless profile in particular, although not all cheaters are scared of posting pictures.

An acquaintance of mine recently signed up for an on-line dating site called OKCupid and started communicating with a guy she was interested in, who by all intents and appearances - looks like a single guy in his profile. Check out the Instant Message conversation she had with this cum-wad:

Him: so, when do you want me to come over?

Her: haha well we can meet somewhere first

Him: sounds good to me

Her: cool

Him: you are very pretty tho

Her: thanks thats sweet

Him: @}--->----- for you

Her: haha thanks

Him: youre welcome

Her: :)

Him: ;P

Her: so when do you want to meet up

Him: i dont know. sometime.

Her: ok

Him: i will tell you this. i am married. you can hate me if you want.

Her: ok yeah why are you on here if you are married

Him: long story, but i am looking for a casual encounter. i have my reasons and like i said, long story

Her: ok yeah well i am not interested

Him: thats fine

Him: i respect that

Her: ok

Her: bye

Him: have a great day

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 10

Everyone has a bad hair day, but make sure your bad hair day does not follow you onto to your on-line dating profile. Put your best foot forward instead of your mullet or Donald Trump comb-over.

Mullets and Trump comb-overs send bad messages to potential dates in the on-line dating world. At the very least they tell the ladies that you are living in the past, man. If you are so insecure about loosing your hair - face reality and buy some plugs, or shave your head. A comb-over is not only ugly, but it tells us exactly how vulnerable your self-esteem is. You will be an easy target for strippers.

A mullet reveals a man so far removed from mullet-reality that he has no
idea that haircut is so detestable that mullet wigs are sold as
Halloween costumes. No one looks hot in a mullet - not even chics.

All of us have had a terrible hair-cut at some point in our lives, but don't let yours haunt your on-line dating profile.

Celebrity Look-A-Like #6: Long Duk Dong

I was a huge fan of Long Duk Dong when I saw him the classic 80's film "16 Candles". Watching the Chinese foreign exchange student bumble through English, get drunk, hit on American girls, and crash grandpa's automobile were some of the best moments of the film.

Well ladies, today is our lucky day, because the Donger is still in America and looking for love on-line.

Honestly, if this profile is a joke - it's hilarious. However, I am scared it isn't and that's a real tragedy. Either some poor foreign kid thinks that impersonating Long Duk Dong is actually going to get him laid, or he is severely misguided by American popular culture and possibly mentally challenged.

Check out the Donger's profile:
_____________________________________________________
ladies call me the donger

seeking women 25-39

Smoke: No Way
Drink: Social Drinker

About my life and what I'm looking for:
as the ancient chinese saying goes: "it is good for girl to meet boy in park, but much better for boy to park meat in girl." i believe this philosophy very much. so no more yanky my wanky, the donger need food. :) my sack is heavy, it has been long time since i make wah wah wee wah. you help me out?

For Fun:
i like to watch movies, make dinners, watch cultural events.

My job:
i am programmer for ______ company here. money is good but i need some wery wery special. sex isn't necessary but would be nice. not by force, only if you let me and we agree to marry and start family.

Favorite hot spots:
many places are fun for me. i prefer restaurants like misty's or macaroni grill.

Favorite things:
anything that make me and you feeling hot hot hot.

Last read:
101 ways to pick up women by way hung lo

Languages:
Chinese
English

About my date:
Height: 4'11" (150cms) to 6'2" (188cms)

On-Line Dating Experiment #1: The Main Profile Picture

Again and again I have stressed the importance of having a good main profile picture on your on-line dating profile.

The main profile picture is the first thing potential suitors see, and in the on-line dating sphere, first impressions are the only opportunity you really have to snare someone’s interest. Posting a good photo of yourself will make or break your on-line dating success.

Some people just don’t seem to get this and post bad pictures of themselves, and then often times, complain in their profiles about the lack of emails or "winks” they get. To me, it seems starkly obvious that a good profile is going to be a cash cow, and that if your profile isn’t getting a lot of attention – chances are your main profile picture sucks ass.

Bad pictures consist of, but are not limited to; photos in which the person has a sourpuss look on their face or looks mentally retarded. If there is a picture of a guy and a girl, together, and the girl has her face cut out of the photo: this is a bad picture to post. Bad pictures also constitute a photo of you with your fat-ass hanging out all over the place in a hot tub with pea-green water. Being overweight doesn’t make you unattractive, but your unflattering picture does. Pictures where you are trying too hard; like you are topless, or the photo is of you and your sweet ride, or pictures where you have PhotoShopped a mermaid tail on yourself, are also bad. Pictures from your "modeling" portfolio also fall into the "trying too hard" catagory. I personally dislike photos that people take of themselves in the bathroom as well. I don’t want to look at a photo of you with your unflushed toilet or skanky public urinal in the background. Please do not post a picture of yourself in your wedding gown from a previous marriage. Even posting a photo you took of yourself in front of a mirror with your new boob job is better than that (this is not a good option either, but it is the lesser of the two evils).

Simple, close-up photos are the best way to attract attention from the opposite sex. However, don’t just take my word for it: let me break it down like a grade school science fair project.

Hypothesis:
My hypothesis is that normal and good main profile pictures will generate almost triple the amount of interest than an awful beast of a photo.

Background and Research:
To find out exactly how much a good or bad profile picture factors into how much interest your profile generates, I conducted an experiment with my own on-line dating profile.

The experiment will consist of taking 3 different pictures and using them as my main profile picture. Each photo will remain up as the main picture for a week, and I will check in periodically to count the number of views, winks, and emails my profile receives with each picture as its masthead.

Materials and Procedures:
The picture for Week 1 will be a full-length photo of me looking cute in a little black dress. The photo for Week 2 will be a close-up of my face, again looking quite cute and bright-eyed. The picture for Week 3 is a hideous monstrosity that I should have destroyed after my friend took it (see photo above). It’s an absolutely terrible photo of me – spliced to the mainbrace drunk – with a tampon shoved up my nostril - and I am trying to touch the tampon with my tongue.

The Results:

Week 1: The Full-Length Photo
Duration of Photo Exposure: 7 days (starting on Wednesday and ending on a Tuesday).
186 views
6 emails
13 winks

Week 2: The Close-Up
Duration of Photo Exposure: 7 days (Tuesday – Tuesday)
239 views
6 emails
19 winks

Week 3: The Fugly Tampon in Nostril Photo
Duration of Photo Exposure: 8 days (Tuesday – Wednesday)
46 views
2 emails
2 winks

Discussion of the Results:
The picture from Week 2 generated over 5 times the views as the picture from Week 3, and Week 3 even got an extra day. I repeat: over 5 times the amount of interest. That is how much a shitty-ass main profile picture will damage your chances of on-line dating success.

The second picture I posted, the close-up, had the biggest success rate. The full-length picture from Week 1 came in second place – 53 views behind the photo from Week 2.

While I figured the picture of me looking o so glamerous with a tampon in my nose wouldn't attract a lot of winks and emails, I am surprised that more guys didn't click on the photo to see what the hell was going on. Shallowness outweighs curiosity.

Interestingly enough, I would have thought the full-length photo would have attracted more interest, you know - ‘cause no guy wants to be dating a fatty. However, contrary to what I thought before this experiment, guys are actually more likely to check out a profile with a close-up shot of a face.

The moral to this story is: profiles with bad main profile pictures will be passed over. It doesn’t matter how witty and charming you are in your profile: it won’t even be read until you’ve put some pretty bait on the hook. Post a good picture of yourself, preferably a close-up, in order to generate more interest and views to your profile.

Good hunting.

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 9

Dating can be rough. Aside from your average bad dates, I have had a few dates where I feel like the guy is actually trying to suck the life force out of me like he is some kind of soul vampire.

However, no matter how bad your life gets as a swinging single, don't let it drain you of hope and make you sound like this guy. On-line dating profiles in which someone sounds jaded, bitter, or like a sniveling loser repel potential dates. Who would ever want to go on a date with someone who sounds so defeatist and complains like a little bitch?

Hey dude - guess what? Sometimes we all go through shit dating patches. Quit your whining, put your balls back on, and go hit on some snatch.
________________________________________________________
About Me And What I Am Looking For:

You know...being a "dude" on match[.com] is tough. Women have it easy. You get 20 e-mails and take your pick. We send out 20 e-mails and hope to get a response. It's really dis-heartening. I know it works this way because I've been out with enough people from match to make this assumption. I would love to jibber about myself but considering I find it useless. All I can say is I'd love to get to know just about anybody if given the chance. I'm here to meet people; not necessarily looking for love but hope to find it one day. My name is ______. Feel free to write me anytime.

Douchebag Of The Week #5: Mid-Life Crises Mo

Old-Men Douchebags are easy to spot in the wilds of on-line dating. First of all, their age is out there for everyone to see, even if they misrepresent themselves by using old pictures from when they were younger. Secondly, 40-year-old douchebags always say shit like “seeking women 18 – 35”. These Viagra poppers never pursue women their own age.

Mid-life Crises guys also reveal themselves as being such when they incessantly proclaim they can still do the same activities they did 20 years ago. Fellas – if you feel the need to point this out: you’re too old to be talking to 20-year-olds.

Skeezy old geezers brag about all their toys in an attempt to bait their younger prey with flashy, shiny objects. This hunting technique has proved most successful for the Redenbachers. For their success rate I would like to thank my slutty, gold-digging counterparts, whose lack of dignity unwittingly subject the rest of us females to Old-Man Douchebag’s sexual advances.

Behavior is learned through positive and negative reinforcement, and these old bastards must be getting laid because of it or they wouldn’t keep it up. Fuck you for that gold-diggers.

Mid-Life Crises Mo is a commitment-phoebe. He’ll never admit it though. This geezer openly states that although he is 40, his longest relationship is 6 months.

This Manther stands out among the vast array of assholes out there because of his extravagant pompousness. His best moment is not when he insults fatties, but when he insults women nearer his age by saying they age like goats. Mr. Mid-Life Crises Shmo - if you are the one using old pictures on your profile, doesn’t that imply that you are the one who ages like a goat?

One more thing Redenbacher, if you are 40, you are too old to put a DJ booth in your house. Your house is not the club, and DJ’s do more than spin “The 80’s Greatest Rock Anthems”.

Here is the skuz-bucket email this wanker sent me that alerted me to his existence.

Redenbacher: “Dang...if I beer kiss you on our first date, just know that I couldn't help it ok?
Just be sure to introduce yourself right after...”

Me: “First of all, a 40-year-old would not get a first date with me. Second of all, if you tried to beer kiss me I would kick you in the fucking nuts. Fuck off, Geezah.”

Mid-Life Crises Mo’s Profile:
_______________________________________________________
"God I can't wait to get my new motorcycle!"

* 40-year-old man
* seeking women 18-35

About my life and what I'm looking for:
Back on Match after at least a 6 month layoff; I don't get out much anymore but when I do it seems like I make up for lost time. I just hate "having all this stuff" and nobody to share anything with. You 20-something year olds will know what I'm talking about when all your friends are married. I'm pretty much at the point where I'll sell my business if it mean enjoying someone else's company. I'm secure enough to be able to be able to make big choices to fulfill even bigger dreams.

I like to keep a lot of plates spinning but I learned years ago that the act accomplishes nothing. Being quasi-talented is only good when you can stay focused on one plate. Now I save the rest of the plates for my spaghetti to rest on top of.

For those of you who eat Xanax for breakfast or posess any other personality that contains the attention span of a 3 year old, allow me to express myself in a way to which you are more accustomed:

I wish I had more time to read.
I hate traffic.
I like animals.
Yo hablo espanol.

Odd factoids about me:

1. I own 5 televisions but never watch them.
2. 50% of my girlfriends end up marrying the next guy they go out with. (Congrats to the latest, Christina)
3. I created the nation's first support group for people who don't receive their merchandise rebates they send away for in the mail.
4. I made up #3

Because you'll ask, the longest relationship I've ever had is 6 months. Women's jaws drop when I say that but consider this: I know myself well enough to know whether or not something is going to work or not. You will know what I'm talking about when you get older.

The next person who tells me my pictures are like ten years old is going to get slapped. Just because you age like a mountain goat doesn't meant the rest of the world doesn't know how to take immaculate care of themselves. Some people's kids I swear...

For Fun:
The gym, rollerblading in the park are always favorites. I compete against myself & can still emulate activities I did 20 years ago. I'm happy now that I'm a homeowner I have a separate building on my property that I built a gym in.

My Job:
I'm a homebody at this stage of life. Every time I see an immensely hot woman with some fat slob with chewing tobacco stains running down their shirt, a little voice inside me says "why do you even bother going out?!" I guess I'm starting to listen!
my ethnicity:

Favorite Things:
I love rain, music; I'm building a DJ booth in my bar for entertaining - wohoo! A recording studio would be cool too.

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 8

Refrain from launching into a scary 1950’s ideal about marriage and your ideal man in the opening statements of your on-line dating profile.

It may be difficult, especially if you just got out of a relationship where you have been really hurt, but try to sound warm and inviting. You don’t want to scare potential dates away, and that’s what profiles describing your dream guy down to every last detail do. Boys do not gravitate towards rancorous shrews.

I’ve actually been doing a bit of experimenting in this aspect with my own on-line dating profile.

I have my standard “Hi – I’m single and cute and fun” introduction, but a few weeks ago I added a “bitter” paragraph. The bitter paragraph is a rant about what type of guys shouldn’t even bother reading my profile.

Since adding this paragraph, I have not received as many emails and winks as I did previously. The men who do contact me ask about the paragraph right away, and one of these suitors commented that the statement reeked of a bad past relationship.

As resentment tends to scare people off, please leave it out of your online dating profile. Even if you did manage to meet someone, despite sounding like a insistent hell-cat on your profile, you don’t want to embark on a new dating relationship dragging the ghosts of relationships past along with you.

Here’s a frightening little succubus I came across a few weeks ago. Could you imagine trying to please this woman? Oy Vey.

_____________________________________________________________________

Be gentle, it's my first time.

I'm at the point in my life where I'm ready to settle down. But I'm also very selective in what type of guy I am looking for. I would definitely love to find Mr. Right, but I'm still having fun and enjoying my life until I find him! :) When I am finally married, my husband will be the breadwinner and go to work, and I will stay at home and make sure he comes home to a clean house with dinner on the table!

As for my perfect match, of course I want a prince on a white horse... but when I'm not looking on the world through the pink glasses, I just want a good man. He is handsome, has good manners, has a decent job, has never been married, does not have children but wants them soon, carries in the bags from the supermarket, likes my home-cooked dinners, thinks I'm adorable, remembers important dates, makes me laugh. He is also strong, focused, knows the importance of family, doesn't gossip, keeps his promises, makes his own fortune, and strives to be a role model.

My mother is Japanese, and my father is German.
my religion:

my religion:
I go to shul on some Shabbats, and I want to raise my children Jewishly.

Freak of the Week #1: Dude Looks Like A Lady

Please only post a picture of yourself as your primary photo. Imagine my confusion when I opened my “Daily 5”, which is a set of 5 guys that Match.com emails subscribers on a daily basis, and I see a photo of a lady. An old lady. Had I had just been paired with an over 50 heterosexual tranny by my on-line dating service?

Bastards.

After staring at my computer screen for a good minute, befuddled as fuck, I began to think that maybe this guy wasn’t a tranny. Maybe some guy uploaded a picture of his mom instead of himself, or maybe he has a granny fetish.

I had to check out this profile and find out what was going on with this guy.

It took me going through this guy’s profile to decipher that the 50+ woman in his main profile picture is not him dressed in drag. So, is it his mom? I haven’t the foggiest. After reading his rant about women and mothers though – he very well could suffer from Norman Bates syndrome.

Posting a good and actual photo of yourself as a main profile picture is detrimental to cyber-dating success. Some folks just don’t seem to have common sense enough to get that. I wonder how many emails this dude and his mom have received from women? My guess is zilch.

Check out what Norman had to say:
_________________________________________________________________

* 32-year-old man
* seeking women 30-50

About My Life And What I'm Looking For:

I am ambitious, purposeful man with interesting life. I just need my second half, nothing else. I could tell to you a lot of good about myself. But it would be silly in all .

I believe in the family unit. The mother is the center of it all: being the main heart which beats for the man and the children. We all use her love to replenish our own hearts with joy and warmth, and we honor her for this. I also believe the man to be the leader of the family. When trouble arises from the outside world, his body will be a shield, and cover his wife and children as they huddle underneath him. He should be like a rock these outside negative forces break themselves against when trying to harm his family and his love. His best friend: his wife. I have been around the world, on my own… and when I say I will be somewhere, I will be, so you better be waiting with open arms and a warm smile if you ask me to come! I am not interested in games, so please don’t contact me if you are not serious about finding your soul mate. I am looking for that special someone who has eluded me so far in my life: my soul mate, my true love, my one and only, forever... If you really want to know more about me, what I like, what drives me and what fuels the passion in my heart to write, to be creative, to live, everyday, and love life, discover the name of the band and the song behind these lyrics: “Was it in the cold of that knife you screwed in the heart of the enduring? 'Cause when you opened that door, you knew, well now, there'd be no returning, Or room to mourn what we have lost, to wait while the willing.

Things People Lie About on Their On-Line Dating Profile: #1 - Smoking

As I investigate the on-line dating sub-culture, I have noticed a few common things people lie about. Because yes, to much shock and horror, people on the internet lie. In reality, on-line dating profiles contain the same lies that you may hear at a bar on a Friday night, although it’s much easier to sniff out a rat when they’re sitting right across from you, looking you in the eye, their little whiskers twitching away. It’s not shocking that someone in search of booty or a relationship would be dishonest, no matter the environment, but what is interesting is the commonality and just how many things are lied about.

The lie that I am addressing today is one that permeates male online dating profiles, and it concerns smoking. On Match.com under the “do you smoke” question, your options are:

No Answer
No Way
Occasionally
Daily
Cigar aficionado
Trying to Quit

The non-smokers always check “No Way”, because you know how non-smokers are. They let their smoking preference be known and they aren’t afraid to make city and statewide laws about where you can smoke. Bitches.

On the other hand, many smokers lie about the amount they smoke. It’s to the point where I think it is fair to say that if anyone checks anything other than the “No Way” box – they smoke, and they smoke more than they let on. However, I must point out that the dude who's picture I've posted here checked the "No Way" box on the smoking question but has a picture of himself with a cigarette. So, does he smoke when he drinks or is his picture just a joke?

An ex-boyfriend of mine is on my dating network, and he chain smokes after waking up in the morning, takes frequent smoke breaks at work, smokes in the car continuously, and he has to wear a nicotine patch on long plane rides. The box he checked in the smoking column is “Occasionally”. The audacity: I’m the real “Occasional” smoker. After I saw his profile, I sent him an email asking why he’s lying about the smoking, and he said, “because I’m trying to cut down”. If that is true, he needs to check “Trying to Quit”. This informs potential dates that you’re a hard-core smoker that is addicted, but you toy with the idea of quitting occasionally.

Another liar I met on this dating website smokes as much as my ex, and he also checked the “Occasionally” box. He constantly has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and on those rare occasions when the cigarette is not in his mouth, he wheezes. If you are smoking a pack a day – you are a daily smoker. The “Occasional” description of the amount he smokes is just plain dishonest, although, in his defense, he isn’t very forthright in general.

I met another guy who checked the “Cigar Aficionado” box, and after months of dating, I never saw him smoke a cigar. He likes the occasional clove, and tends to smoke when he drinks and during study breaks. Perhaps I am mistaken, but doesn’t this make you an “Occasional” smoker?

So, thank you liars, for filling my on-line dating experience with little surprises. In the meantime, stop lying on your on-line dating profile. All lies are quickly discovered and all rats are eventually sniffed out. I should stock up on Arsenic.

I would also like for online dating networks to add a "pot smoker" option to profiles, as I have met more than one pothead through online dating websites. Not that these guys would be honest about their drug use on a profile anyway, but it would be amusing.

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 7

Do not try too hard to be funny and cute in your main profile picture. It never works. Look at this guy : a Merman. Seriously?

If I saw his fishtailed butt swimming anywhere near my ship I’d harpoon his ass.

I readily admit that I am one of those ladies who is looking for a guy with a good sense of humor, and dating someone who can be a bit goofy is a lot fun. However, whenever a guy is trying too hard to be funny, it’s just awkward for me.

Putting this photo as your main profile picture screams “Attention Whore” as well. This guy will do anything for attention and these types of people are scary, as they have no dignity or shame.

Post a normal picture of yourself and show us how funny you are by making a good joke in your profile introduction. Leave the dodgy photo shopping of yourself as mythological creatures – especially those that are associated with being girly – the hell alone.

Unless you really are a super lame attention whore – if that’s the case, thank you for letting me know upfront instead of 3 dates in what a freak you are.

Celebrity Look-A-Like #5: Max Cady

This guy’s profile picture makes me think of Max Cady, the villain played by Robert DiNero in Cape Fear. Especially the opening scene: all the tattoos, the bench press, "the healthy release of serotonin".

Once again, here is another example of the type of photo you should not post as your main profile picture. It’s scary.

Also, Max's spelling of "serotnonin" is exactly why people need to spell check what they write before they post.

While you don’t want someone who rambles on in their profile introductions for paragraphs upon paragraphs, you need to give us more info about yourself besides you like to work out and listen to music. The "about you" section shouldn’t be this sparse, unless the writer is posting from jail, then this profile is completely appropriate and forget everything I just said.

“I understand, I'm not your type, too many tattoos. Thing is, there isn't much to do in prison except desecrate your flesh.” Max Cady – Cape Fear 1991

Mr. Cady's profile:
_____________________________________________________________

Looking for female that enjoys life has a good attitude and is grateful for what she has. a positive well respectful and sure of themselves

For fun:
wORK OUT LISTEN TO MUSIC

About my life and what I'm looking for
I am a young man that loves to work out and release positive and healthy serotnonin Iam very happy and grateful and have a great personality and sense of humor I love music and want to share the gift of life with a lucky and special female


Exercise habits: Exercise 5 or more times per week
Interests: No Answer
Education: Associates degree
Occupation: Retail / Food services
Income: No Answer

Status Update #1: eHarmony Sucks Hairy Balls

I reluctantly re-entered the on-line dating world after a devastating break-up with a man I thought I'd grow old with: a man I met on an on-line dating website called Match.com. After meeting on-line and dating for 10 months, out of nowhere one day when we were in South Africa, he picked up his backpack, turned his back on me, and walked off down a dirt road; leaving me totally alone standing in the tall grass. He never said a word.

He didn't literally leave me on a roadside in South Africa. Oddly enough, that was the nightmare I had the day before he got all freaked out about "us" and stopped speaking to me. The break-up was excruciatingly cruel and I was beyond heart-broken when he left. My soul felt dead. My body was like one of Persephone's shades mournfully flittering across earth.

After all break-ups, even the ones where the guy acts like a complete weasel fucker, you eventually have to get back on the horse, or at least that is what everyone tells you. As I held a big fat-ass grudge against Match.com for introducing me to man who treated me like I gave him an STD and murdered his puppy, I decided to sign up for eHarmony.

What a mistake.

I went on two dates with guys from eHarmony. One was a nasty little hobbit that lied about his height, and the date consisted of me getting my ear raped for 2 hours.

However, I don't blame eHarmony for the bad dates, they just suck hairy, elephant balls. Period. This is why:

1.) The website selects matches for you. They do this based off a series of questionnaires that you fill out when you sign up for eHarmony. Apparently eHarmony thinks I am a good match for severely overweight truck drivers.

2.) After you are sent a certain number of matches per week, you do not get any more matches for a week - sometimes more. So if you get 20 matches that all happen to be sewer cleaners that haven't posted any pictures of themselves - tough tits - you don't get any more matches till next week.

3.) You can only buy subscriptions in 3, 6, or 12 month increments. The monthly subscription option is expensive as hell, and the seven day free trail doesn’t allow you to communicate with other members.

4.) The profiles are a set up as questions that everyone has to write out an answer for. They use the same set of questions, so everyone sounds the same.

Example: "Who is the most influential person in your life besides your parents?"
Answer: 85% say their grandparents, 5% say their brother, and 5% name one of their parents anyway.

5.) The "customer service" at eHarmony is a fucking joke. I had to deal with their customer service agents on two occasions, and one of them was for eHarmony automatically renewing my subscription after I attempted to cancel it. Bastards.

6.) The same people with eHarmony accounts also have accounts on Match.com (which is cheaper) and Plenty of Fish (which is free).

I wouldn't recommend eHarmony to an actual human, but maybe I would to a hobbit.

Douchebag of the Week #4: Hollywood

This guy is so full of vinegar and water that he sloshes when he walks. Not only did he post numerous headshots and other modeling photos in his profile, but the profile reads word for word what you would expect from a $30,000 millionaire, narcissistic fucktard.

If you are a model or an actor - sure: post one of your headshots along with your more candid photos. After all, your career is part of your personality and your profile is supposed to introduce us females to who you are. Overuse of the photos from of your model portfolio though, especially accompanied by an egotistical wankfest of an introduction, is just rampant douchebaggery.

Judging from his profile, there is no room for anyone else in the relationship he has with himself.

See for yourself:
____________________________________
* seeking women 101-121

About my life and what I'm looking for:
WELL, SOMEONE WHO ISN'T ON PAROLE FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER, SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T TAKE VALIUM LIKE IT'S A PEZ DISPENSER, AND SOMEONE WHO ISN'T A [slang term for someone from a certain state]! I MEAN, YUK!!

In closing, I like someone who knows how to laugh and isn't afraid to smile!!! I'm an expert at flirting, and I hope you can keep up with me!!!

In general, I'm a total goof-ball. My basic interests include being feisty while cooking dinner for you. I also have a busy job which doesn't pay me much $ today, but I'm dang good at it so watch out for me being a sugar daddy tomorrow.

However, my major turnoff is someone that is uptight and doesn't know how to laugh at life's daily occurrences. Money doesn't drive me, but it would be nice to ride around in a private jet one day.

… I'm a geek at heart, but I'm not that lame. I can read B. S. very quickly as I mastered the heart myself out in Hollywood.

I was born and raised in [city, state] but I went to the University of [state] where I studied film history/screenwriting. I told you I was geeky! HA!

For Fun:
In my spare time, I like to fight albino alligators in the Artic triangle, I rope mean toros in the Sahara dunes, and I eat a piece of sushi with a piece of steak in it. Above all else, I AM THE OFFICIAL AMBASSADOR TO ALL THINGS [college]!!!

My Job:
Basically, if you've seen Entourage on HBO, I do the job of Arie Gold at a prestigious agency in [city].

My ethnicity:
Typical American: Half Latin - Half Anglo - Qt. Italian, dark & handsome! I went to the UNIVERSITY OF [State] (film school)...worked at DREAMWORKS, MGM, ICM, and in Trivial Pursuit

Favorite hot spots:
Anywhere that accepts the Joey T experience!!! :-P ps--hopefully, you don't take life too serious...major turnoff!

Favorite things:
I'd like to chat with you about my favorite things to do on our first date...duh! Or else we would have nothing to chat about except how damn cute we are! ps---I'm a little sassy with a tad bit of sugar and spice. Hope you can keep up!!!



Education: No Answer
Occupation: Executive / Management
Income: No Answer

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 6

Please to do not write a page-length metaphor about a river as your on-line dating profile into.

I love me some literary devices, but when I know nothing about you except that you have a beard like Grizzly Adams, do not rant about how life is like a river. You are not Garth Brooks.

After Grizzly makes us read through his river rant, he dives into details about all the women he’s had relationships with. That info has no place on an on-line dating profile and should only be divulged in a conversation with your new romantic interest when the subject has been naturally broached. No wonder no one has winked at his profile.

Maybe I am just in a pissy mood today, but after reading through that river shite I want to mow down this guy’s river raft with my ship and give him a proper keelhaul. What's a shame is that this guy might actually be a fun date for a nice outdoorsy type woman; I mean heck, he likes to river raft. However, no woman is going to read through all the hippie douchebag crap on his profile, let alone shoot him an email.

Please lay off the ganja before you fill out your on-line dating profile introduction, Mr. Adams.

Grizzly’s Profile:
____________________________________________________________
About my life and what I'm looking for:
Life is like a river flowing calmly and majestically downward curving this way and that way with rocks and steep walls that need to be negotiated. As you take the journey down the river it speeds up moving ever faster downward and becomes quite violent, the water now flows over the rocks and forms big holes in the river. You move this way and that way dogging and negotiating what mother earth has put before you. But no matter how hard you try you will mess up and bump against rock or fall into that hole and it seems like all will be lost to the river. But some how with faith in life you recover and nothing is lost and you are stronger and more knowledgeable about how you approach the next stretch of the river. Knowing that you have survived what has been another great adventure and wonderful journey in life you will do it again and again until you get it right.

I married when I was young and she was younger but on and off we did last 8 years together. I then meet another wonderful woman and had a lot going with her, it was good thing until lust got me and the her control drove me away, we were together for 12 years. The one I lusted after was truly fun everyone loved her, but she was not willing to help out when it came to making life better…

I have my own pension income and a jack of all trades so to speak, so I am in demand for small jobs for buying my extra man toys in life.
I have not signed up yet for I don't want to get sucked in buy some affiliate trying to stifle money out of me. I've had 117 views of my pic, 48 profile views, 2 emails and whopping 0 winks ! More winks more emails then maybe I'll find my next love, patients my love.

For fun:
Have lots of free time being retired. I've been building my on solar system and have my living room running on green. Planting a garden and getting the boat ready for some river trips. Hiking to the nearby hot springs for some early moring soaks.

Douchebag of the Week #3: Best Lover EVER

I have discovered through the course of my life that any guy who brags about how awesome he is in bed usually sucks donkey balls at sex, and the more they brag about it – the worse they are. At this rate, this guy must be the worst lay ever.

Considering he is trying to woo females in cyberspace, he really shouldn’t have written in all caps either. I don’t like getting yelled at; especially when the yelling revolves around how good of a lover you are. Lovers don’t yell at females when they are courting, novice. He keeps talking about lips too, and that is so subjective during sex conversations: which set of lips is he thinking about? What a creep.

He also disses his fat and bald competition. Why the hate? Some overweight and bald guys are pretty attractive, especially in comparison to some conceited Bee Gee reject.

I’ve got the fucking “Stayin Alive” lyrics stuck in my head now. I hate this guy for that.

Here’s this lover’s own words:
_____________________________________________________________
SEXY TAKECHARGE MALE, SEEKS A OPENMINDED LADY FOR NON STOP PASSION... ARE YOU THE ONE?

LADIES IF YOU DO NOT LIKE SEXY GUYS I AM NOT FOR YOU ..THERE ARE PLENTY OF BALD AND FAT GUYS OUT THERE FOR YOU..I AM ALL MAN AND VERY TAKE CHARGE AND A EXCELLENT LOVER AND YOU BE TO OR I WILL TEACH YOU..... I WOULD BE WILLING TO RELOCATE FOR THE RIGHT LADY.... LOOK AT MY PHOTOS YOU CAN HAVE ME 24/7 THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.....IT IS ABOUT TIME FOR YOU TO BE HAPPY.........LADIES REMEMBER I AM NOT YOUR AVERAGE MAN..I WILL MAKE YOU FELL LIKE YOU ARE 15 AGAIN WE WILL BE MAKING OUT DAILY SO GET YOU LIPS IN SHAPE, WE WILL START OUT MAKING OUT 1 HOUR PER DAY THEN THEN GET TO 3 HOURS, YOUR GIRL FRIENDS WILL HATE YOU WHEN THEY FIND ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE, REMEMBER SEX KEEPS YOU YOUNG AND YOU WILL NEVER BE BORED, YOU BODY WILL BE A BUFFET FOR ME DAILY, JUST BE YOURSELF AT ALL TIMES I WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR MIND FIRST…

SO STOPING WASTING TIME AND CONTAC ME NOW AND GET YOUR LIPS IN SHAPE...

For fun:
I LIKE TO GAMBLE...

My job:
...SEEKING A OPEN MINDED LADY, WHO DRESSES LIKE A LADY YOU BE VERY FEM, AND LOVE TO BE SPOILED IN A LTR.........

My religion:
....I AM DIVORCED KNOW KIDS MY X WAS A HIGH FASHION MODEL....MOST PEOPLE SAY I AM ONE OF A KIND... LET'S GROW OLD TOGETHER.

Favorite hot spots:
LASVEGAS.... BEACH NIGHT CLUBS IN VEGAS AND FLORIDA ECT.

Favorite things:
GETTING TO NO LADY'S MIND SEE WHAT MAKES HER TICK, I WANT TO NO YOUR FANTASIES WHAT TURNS YOU MUST BE VERY OPEN, YOUR BRAIN IS EVERTHING THING TO ME…

Last read:
PEOPLE SAY I LOOK LIKE ONE OF THE BEE GEES, THE PLEASURE ZONES OF A WOMENS BODY…

On-Line Dating Email Etiquette: Lesson 2

When contacting someone you are interested in from an on-line dating website do not harass them through email after they do not respond to your initial communication.

If you email a girl and she doesn’t respond: she's not interested. Continuing to barrage her with emails will not make her change her mind and makes you look desperate and mentally unbalanced.

Also, calling a girl racist in order to guilt her into contacting you is fucking pathetic. Furthermore, after you call her racist, do not email her a comment about her tits, loser. You just validated any reason she had for not emailing you back in the first place.

Oh, and one more thing: Try spelling out words like “you” and “you’re” and try spelling “is” properly. LOL Cats is pissed you’re ripping off his shtick.

Here is the barrage of emails an admirer sent to a reader of mine.
_____________________________________________________

Boy:
Subject: hmmmm Sent Date: 5/9/2009
Without music there would be a lot more crazy people in the world!...lol Its beautiful like love, sex, and most of nature.PURE

Boy:
Subject: so... Sent Date: 5/11/2009
What's up...I think ur really cute..I would like to chat if ur somewhat interested:)

Boy:
Subject: ???? Sent Date: 5/20/2009
Please tell me ur not one of those females who view my profile everyday...but doesn't say hi?!?

Boy:
Subject: hey Sent Date: 5/23/2009
Ur hot!:)

Boy:
Subject: hey Sent Date: 5/25/2009
Text me if u want [Name] [phone number]

Boy:
Subject: TGIF:p Sent Date: 5/29/2009
Yeah Yeah.....IM @ [name]music on yahoo if u want!

Boy:
Subject: ???? Sent Date: 5/31/2009
I like the new pics;).....so why won't u talk to me....iz it cause I'm not white...lol or maybe didn't life styles....idk....u should let me rock ur world:)

Boy:
Subject: So… Sent Date: 6/5/2009
Can't say I'm not disappointed! I guess u fall in the catagory of those females that stalk the profile but never say hi even after I've contacted u....it jus gets frustrating, I think ur really cute and u seem down to earth, BUT...guess I'll never know!

Boy:
Subject: my goodness:p Sent Date: 6/10/2009
I notice something else other than ur wing span :p
Very nice

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 5

Once again, remember that any main profile picture you post on your on-line dating profile will be the first thing people see, and will therefore be the first impression you send to the on-line world.

Ladies, if you are brazen enough to post a main profile picture of yourself with a stripper pole: you better own that pole with effervescent confidence. This poor girl looks intimidated and awkward.

Photos with stripper poles also reek of desperation. Personally, I think any pictures with stripper poles are only going to attract a certain type of male; but if you don’t mind an inbox full of emails from mouth-breathing, crotch-watchers: go ahead.

One more thing, on-line daters should be aware of contradictory messages they could be sending out. Don’t tell us you’re not into material things and then put down “Confessions of a Shop-A-Holic” as the last thing you read.

Here are wanna-be stripper’s details:
_______________

Hopefully there is such a thing as a "perfect match"... that remains to be seen. I'm looking for someone who has some ambition and is just as crazy as I am. Can jump up at a whim and take off or just take it easy and relax. Be social w/ all types of people, as I have a wide variety of friends and doesn't want to keep me in the shadows. I don't want to pay your bills or support you...so don't ask!! Be real and be yourself :)

Favorite things:
Italian food, movies w/ dry sarcastic humor, cooking w/ friends and family, love all types of music, shopping-especially if shoes are involved! ha ha. Overall my favorite things aren't really matrerial-they are the things in life that make me smile:)

Last read:
Confessions of a shop-a-holic

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 4

Do not post a photo of yourself with a woman whose face you have cut out or blacked out with a sharpie. It’s creepy - on a potential serial killer level.

At least Photoshop her entire body out of the picture, better yet, just post a picture of yourself with no one else in the shot.

Whenever I see a photo like this it makes me think: who is this girl? Why is her face scratched out? Do you hate her? Did you murder her? What waterway is her body in? Are you going to murder your next girlfriend? Will you murder me if I don’t respond to you?

On-Line Dating E-Mail Etiquette: Lesson 1

As you are having your first communications with your romantic interest over the internet, bear in mind the first impressions your emails may convey. Sending her some esoteric rant will read like nonsensical twaddle, and make you look like an ass.

One of my readers contacted me with this beauty of a fuck-up that was emailed to her by a potential suitor. Please refrain from sending an email that reads like the following in the early stages of communication.
______________________________________________________________

"My goal is not to deceive or to pretend in any way. But to further educate you in my knowledge of what I am talking about, to show you rather then tell you sappy stories of infidelities or half truths. I can't complain about anything that has happened, that has been of my causing, but can only move forward and hope that I will only learn and stray away for mistakes in the past. Often times we either find ourselves saying things that we wished we shouldn't, or not saying things and wished that we had. There is plenty of time for passion, but not without a great understanding of ones position on one another and how well they know that individual. A Bond if you will if affection, knowledge,awareness,a greater understanding of where and what you have been through, and an eternal friendship that far surpasses anything that you could ever
imagine, and then only then can you begin to talk about passion or deep discussions bc you know how deeply the other person feels for what he or she is defending. No reply is necessary only if you feel the need to which I would hope that you would, but in the instant that you decide not to I hope that you will find what I am talking about and never look back because you cant change the past, but only change the outcome of your future. "

What Not To Do While On-Line Dating: Lesson 1

Do not contact people that have a trait or situation that is not going to work for you. For example, if you don’t want to date someone with kids, then do not wink and email anyone with two rug-rats.

These dating websites ask questions and post the answers on your profile in order to help you find a match: ignoring someone's requirements and specifications will help not you find an ideal match, and in many cases, will just get you blocked.

Lately I have been getting emails from readers who are on-line dating and their chief complaint is the communications they receive from potential dates outside their specifications. Here is an actual email exchange that ties in with this week’s lesson.
___________________________________________________________________

Boy: Why no pics of knife juggling?

Girl: I do not want to appear too intimidating to potential dates… Visual reinforcement of this activity may prove too much.

[This] combined with my crazy pills, horizontal teeth, and my rap sheet tend to put a lot of sane guys off. Crap - did I just say all that out loud?

There is a picture of you in a sports uniform - what do you play?

Boy: Whatever. You can't have a [screen]name like Knife_juggler, talk about it in your profile, then not show pictures to back it up. Knife juggling is a plus, so that cancels out the rap sheet. Bad teeth and crazy pills are a deal breaker though. So you smoke occasionally? The sports uniform? That would be Icarus. Think rugby, but hardcore.

Girl: Yes, I smoke occasionally. Mainly when I am having drinks with my friends. I don't smoke during the day, and I only smoke without beer if I am extremely stressed out.... Got to keep the bad habits in check.

Boy: That's a shame about the smoking. Although I read it on your profile, you were too irrisistable to pass up writing. Looks like you're trying to quit though. I'm unfortnately allergic to cigarette smoke. Need help quiting completely? ;)

Girl: Shame about the dog. Although they are cute and fun, I am allergic. Maybe you’d like help quitting your pet?

Guess you shouldn’t email girls who have anything other than “I don’t smoke” checked on their profile, no matter how irresistible. Or maybe that was your way of being funny? Either way – you failed.

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 3

When trying to attract the female of the species, please post a main profile photo of yourself that does not have posters of Jenna Jameson and other ladies of ill repute in the background. If you are over 21, posters of naked chics on your walls make you look like a perv.

Plus, this kind of profile picture makes you look like a douche-face liar when you state things on your profile like, "looking for love and a meaningful long-term relationship".

Also bear in mind the message naked girls on your wall sends to women. It tells them what standards you will hold them to: airbrushed porno standards.

Celebrity Look-A-Like #4: Slash

Quick - Someone call “Guns-N-Roses” – their old lead guitarist is internet dating. This Slash wanna-be would get his ass kicked by the Real Slash: Fake Slash doesn’t smoke and is only a social drinker. How un-80's metal band. Also, in his main profile photo you can see tattoos, but under the body art selection he checked “none”.

Did the drugs destroy Slash’s brain and he now has to use the internet to pick up chics, or is Fake Slash a wanna-be who thinks looking like an 80's guitar legend will help him score?

You decide:
__________________________________________________________________

* 34-year-old man
* seeking women 18-35

About my life and what I'm looking for:
So tired to describe myself but i am cool.I am an independent guy looking for a good lady to spend my time with. I like to have fun when I get the chance to go out. I make time for the people I care about and I'm very close with my friendes… I can't sing but i listen to all genres of music. I love cars, driving, electronic gadgets, office supplies, naps, reading, shopping, kissing and watching tv/movies. I love animals so if you have pets, great! That’s kinda me in a nutshell.

For Fun:
Almost anything. Camping, Movies and music

Smoke: No Way
Drink: Social drinker, maybe one or two

Body Art:
* None

* Music and concerts
* Playing sports
* Wine tasting

Occupation: Other profession
Income: No Answer

Douchebag of the Week #3: Playgirl Cover Model

This guy is going to brag about being a Playgirl Cover Man in 2005 at every opportunity and then act too cool in his bio. What a Douchebag.

You're a model? Really? Did you feel the need to reinforce that claim by posting a topless profile picture?

The one thing I am curious about though is what he does for a living: exotic dancer, drug-dealer, rent boy, trust fund guy? Why the ambiguity?

Here's the profile for this week's Douchebag.
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PLAYGIRL COVER MAN DEC 2005

* 34-year-old man
* seeking women 18-46

About my life and what I'm looking for:
I have been voted one of the top 20 most eligible bachelors of [city, state]. I just got back from climbing the K2 backwards, barefooted without complaining. I have been told that I have a dynamic personality by my chinese pug Stormin Norman. I guess one favorite past time that I could share with you would be.. one time I was running through the Hollywood Hills naked when I got scoped out by Playgirl magazine and landed the December 2005 cover and centerfold issue. Heide told me that I am the benchmark to which all other men are judged by at her Bordello in Vegas. I continuously amaze others as well as myself.

For fun:
Rock Climbing Mountain Biking Traveling Snow Boarding Football Basketball

My job:
You'll just have to meet me to find out

My ethnicity:
Euroasain

Favorite hot spots:
Axis Radius, Seven 7, Dos Gringo's, Mi Cocina's, Bronx, Steel

Favorite things:
Asain Food Fav color - Blue When its raining - stay inside and drink wine Shopping - Plano...for obvious reasons Fav Book - Your Best Life Now, A million little pieces

Last read:
Playboy..haha jk