Thursday, May 28, 2009

On-Line Dating E-Mail Etiquette: Lesson 1

As you are having your first communications with your romantic interest over the internet, bear in mind the first impressions your emails may convey. Sending her some esoteric rant will read like nonsensical twaddle, and make you look like an ass.

One of my readers contacted me with this beauty of a fuck-up that was emailed to her by a potential suitor. Please refrain from sending an email that reads like the following in the early stages of communication.

"My goal is not to deceive or to pretend in any way. But to further educate you in my knowledge of what I am talking about, to show you rather then tell you sappy stories of infidelities or half truths. I can't complain about anything that has happened, that has been of my causing, but can only move forward and hope that I will only learn and stray away for mistakes in the past. Often times we either find ourselves saying things that we wished we shouldn't, or not saying things and wished that we had. There is plenty of time for passion, but not without a great understanding of ones position on one another and how well they know that individual. A Bond if you will if affection, knowledge,awareness,a greater understanding of where and what you have been through, and an eternal friendship that far surpasses anything that you could ever
imagine, and then only then can you begin to talk about passion or deep discussions bc you know how deeply the other person feels for what he or she is defending. No reply is necessary only if you feel the need to which I would hope that you would, but in the instant that you decide not to I hope that you will find what I am talking about and never look back because you cant change the past, but only change the outcome of your future. "

Friday, May 22, 2009

What Not To Do While On-Line Dating: Lesson 1

Do not contact people that have a trait or situation that is not going to work for you. For example, if you don’t want to date someone with kids, then do not wink and email anyone with two rug-rats.

These dating websites ask questions and post the answers on your profile in order to help you find a match: ignoring someone's requirements and specifications will help not you find an ideal match, and in many cases, will just get you blocked.

Lately I have been getting emails from readers who are on-line dating and their chief complaint is the communications they receive from potential dates outside their specifications. Here is an actual email exchange that ties in with this week’s lesson.

Boy: Why no pics of knife juggling?

Girl: I do not want to appear too intimidating to potential dates… Visual reinforcement of this activity may prove too much.

[This] combined with my crazy pills, horizontal teeth, and my rap sheet tend to put a lot of sane guys off. Crap - did I just say all that out loud?

There is a picture of you in a sports uniform - what do you play?

Boy: Whatever. You can't have a [screen]name like Knife_juggler, talk about it in your profile, then not show pictures to back it up. Knife juggling is a plus, so that cancels out the rap sheet. Bad teeth and crazy pills are a deal breaker though. So you smoke occasionally? The sports uniform? That would be Icarus. Think rugby, but hardcore.

Girl: Yes, I smoke occasionally. Mainly when I am having drinks with my friends. I don't smoke during the day, and I only smoke without beer if I am extremely stressed out.... Got to keep the bad habits in check.

Boy: That's a shame about the smoking. Although I read it on your profile, you were too irrisistable to pass up writing. Looks like you're trying to quit though. I'm unfortnately allergic to cigarette smoke. Need help quiting completely? ;)

Girl: Shame about the dog. Although they are cute and fun, I am allergic. Maybe you’d like help quitting your pet?

Guess you shouldn’t email girls who have anything other than “I don’t smoke” checked on their profile, no matter how irresistible. Or maybe that was your way of being funny? Either way – you failed.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 3

When trying to attract the female of the species, please post a main profile photo of yourself that does not have posters of Jenna Jameson and other ladies of ill repute in the background. If you are over 21, posters of naked chics on your walls make you look like a perv.

Plus, this kind of profile picture makes you look like a douche-face liar when you state things on your profile like, "looking for love and a meaningful long-term relationship".

Also bear in mind the message naked girls on your wall sends to women. It tells them what standards you will hold them to: airbrushed porno standards.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Celebrity Look-A-Like #4: Slash

Quick - Someone call “Guns-N-Roses” – their old lead guitarist is internet dating. This Slash wanna-be would get his ass kicked by the Real Slash: Fake Slash doesn’t smoke and is only a social drinker. How un-80's metal band. Also, in his main profile photo you can see tattoos, but under the body art selection he checked “none”.

Did the drugs destroy Slash’s brain and he now has to use the internet to pick up chics, or is Fake Slash a wanna-be who thinks looking like an 80's guitar legend will help him score?

You decide:

* 34-year-old man
* seeking women 18-35

About my life and what I'm looking for:
So tired to describe myself but i am cool.I am an independent guy looking for a good lady to spend my time with. I like to have fun when I get the chance to go out. I make time for the people I care about and I'm very close with my friendes… I can't sing but i listen to all genres of music. I love cars, driving, electronic gadgets, office supplies, naps, reading, shopping, kissing and watching tv/movies. I love animals so if you have pets, great! That’s kinda me in a nutshell.

For Fun:
Almost anything. Camping, Movies and music

Smoke: No Way
Drink: Social drinker, maybe one or two

Body Art:
* None

* Music and concerts
* Playing sports
* Wine tasting

Occupation: Other profession
Income: No Answer

Monday, May 4, 2009

Douchebag of the Week #3: Playgirl Cover Model

This guy is going to brag about being a Playgirl Cover Man in 2005 at every opportunity and then act too cool in his bio. What a Douchebag.

You're a model? Really? Did you feel the need to reinforce that claim by posting a topless profile picture?

The one thing I am curious about though is what he does for a living: exotic dancer, drug-dealer, rent boy, trust fund guy? Why the ambiguity?

Here's the profile for this week's Douchebag.

* 34-year-old man
* seeking women 18-46

About my life and what I'm looking for:
I have been voted one of the top 20 most eligible bachelors of [city, state]. I just got back from climbing the K2 backwards, barefooted without complaining. I have been told that I have a dynamic personality by my chinese pug Stormin Norman. I guess one favorite past time that I could share with you would be.. one time I was running through the Hollywood Hills naked when I got scoped out by Playgirl magazine and landed the December 2005 cover and centerfold issue. Heide told me that I am the benchmark to which all other men are judged by at her Bordello in Vegas. I continuously amaze others as well as myself.

For fun:
Rock Climbing Mountain Biking Traveling Snow Boarding Football Basketball

My job:
You'll just have to meet me to find out

My ethnicity:

Favorite hot spots:
Axis Radius, Seven 7, Dos Gringo's, Mi Cocina's, Bronx, Steel

Favorite things:
Asain Food Fav color - Blue When its raining - stay inside and drink wine Shopping - Plano...for obvious reasons Fav Book - Your Best Life Now, A million little pieces

Last read:
Playboy..haha jk