Friday, February 5, 2010

Douchebag Of The Week #11: iluv34dcups

A terrible screen name will scare females off faster than a fat guy wearing a speedo, so when a friend of mine emailed me the link to iluv34dcups on-line dating profile, I readied my belly for gut-busting laughter.

Fellas - I cannot stress enough how important it is to have a decent screen name, or at least one that doesn't scream, "hey, I'm a douchebag". Use care in selecting the name that will be the first thing a potential suitor sees pertaining to you. A bad screen name will get your email deleted before it's even read, and vaginas locking up all over the world wide web.

With a name like iluv34dcups... I am picturing a crusty, drooling, old, 50-something perv with the "I like to watch" stare...

After viewing iluv34dcups profile, I see that he actually is a 50-year-old pervert who constantly talks about sex in his profile and doesn't have any hobbies other than buying his current sex partner a bunch of crap from Victoria Secret. He says nothing meaningful or significant about himself, and really just focuses on what he wants his ideal female to look like.

He goes on to describe the physical attributes of his ideal match, and aside from his obvious love for D cups, he also says his match must have a great "tush". Surely even old Redenbachers don't use that word anymore to describe their girlfriend's ass, and if they do, that alone should get them kicked in the junk.

My favorite part of iluv34dcups' profile is when he goes into detail about the size of his cock. If he's got to talk about it on his on-line dating profile, he must suffer from baby carrot or micro penis syndrome. Guys who brag about the size of their penises usually have tiny little dicks, so fellas, refrain from discussing the size of your Johnson on your on-line dating profile. Aside from being tacky and in poor taste, you are actually tipping us off to stay away from you and your inchworm.

Here's iluv34dcups profile:
“If you know Cinderella, tell her I've got her shoe! And her bra (34 D) and panties! Talk about leaving in a hurry! LOL.. Please claim soon!”

About My Life and What I'm Looking For:
Ambitious entrepreneur with no ex wives and no kids (that I know of) seeks single, sexy, good looking woman, slender 2 average build, with a beautiful bod (nice tush, great legs, and D's if possible, but I'll settle 4 a large C...LOL!), brains, good sense of humor who likes great food, champagne, nights on the town, romantic dinners followed by dancing and a few drinks, loves to receive and show lots of affection, preferably daily or nightly (maybe both?), especially in private, (we'll be doing a lot of shopping at Victoria's Secret, or at least I will for you!), and foreign travel as I will be doing a lot of it for business the next few years (Europe and India) plus I love Cancun and the Caribbean for vacations..(am I asking too much? LOL)

You get a nice looking (probably a solid 7. 5, maybe an 8 if the lights are low and you've been drinking-LOL..), intelligent, sensitive, honest, and ambitious guy with a full head of brown-blonde hair, blue eyes, a great sense of humor, whose loyal (once you have a 10 why look around?), and not afraid of commitment! (isn't that unusual!)

Definitely a 1 woman kind of guy..(No need to "dabble at a smorgasboard" when you've already got a great main course in your life and no need to go out with the "boys" for a night out either, even every once in a while..Life is too short, so enjoy every minute of it with the one who counts the most...I don't need my own space (what a crock!) and I don't go out with the guys, but if I did, she would go with me or I'd pass and stay home with her! Personally, I'd rather stay home with her and see what kind of trouble we could get into! LOL...)

And ladies, just a thought on your profiles...They want to see a pic of a good head shot, (not that kind of "head"-LMAO), a shot from the waist up, and a full length pic of you wearing a sexy dress or mini, if you can pull that off, and showing cleavage, if you have it. And if you still look good in a bikini, that's a plus, and if not, in a one piece where you look good...Guys R visual!

Favorite Hot Spots:
exotic beaches, upscale restaurants that serve a great rib eye, filet mignon, or shrimp and lobster, and the bedroom, which should be the best local hotspot of all!

Favorite Things:
Classic rock and disco...bring back the 70's! Favorite movies are comedies. Love filet mignon, ribeye, shrimp, lobster, and champagne with strawberries with cheesecake for dessert. Fireplaces and hot tubs with romantic music and good bottle of wine