Thursday, September 24, 2009

Celebrity Look-A-Like #6: Long Duk Dong

I was a huge fan of Long Duk Dong when I saw him the classic 80's film "16 Candles". Watching the Chinese foreign exchange student bumble through English, get drunk, hit on American girls, and crash grandpa's automobile were some of the best moments of the film.

Well ladies, today is our lucky day, because the Donger is still in America and looking for love on-line.

Honestly, if this profile is a joke - it's hilarious. However, I am scared it isn't and that's a real tragedy. Either some poor foreign kid thinks that impersonating Long Duk Dong is actually going to get him laid, or he is severely misguided by American popular culture and possibly mentally challenged.

Check out the Donger's profile:
ladies call me the donger

seeking women 25-39

Smoke: No Way
Drink: Social Drinker

About my life and what I'm looking for:
as the ancient chinese saying goes: "it is good for girl to meet boy in park, but much better for boy to park meat in girl." i believe this philosophy very much. so no more yanky my wanky, the donger need food. :) my sack is heavy, it has been long time since i make wah wah wee wah. you help me out?

For Fun:
i like to watch movies, make dinners, watch cultural events.

My job:
i am programmer for ______ company here. money is good but i need some wery wery special. sex isn't necessary but would be nice. not by force, only if you let me and we agree to marry and start family.

Favorite hot spots:
many places are fun for me. i prefer restaurants like misty's or macaroni grill.

Favorite things:
anything that make me and you feeling hot hot hot.

Last read:
101 ways to pick up women by way hung lo


About my date:
Height: 4'11" (150cms) to 6'2" (188cms)

Friday, September 11, 2009

On-Line Dating Experiment #1: The Main Profile Picture

Again and again I have stressed the importance of having a good main profile picture on your on-line dating profile.

The main profile picture is the first thing potential suitors see, and in the on-line dating sphere, first impressions are the only opportunity you really have to snare someone’s interest. Posting a good photo of yourself will make or break your on-line dating success.

Some people just don’t seem to get this and post bad pictures of themselves, and then often times, complain in their profiles about the lack of emails or "winks” they get. To me, it seems starkly obvious that a good profile is going to be a cash cow, and that if your profile isn’t getting a lot of attention – chances are your main profile picture sucks ass.

Bad pictures consist of, but are not limited to; photos in which the person has a sourpuss look on their face or looks mentally retarded. If there is a picture of a guy and a girl, together, and the girl has her face cut out of the photo: this is a bad picture to post. Bad pictures also constitute a photo of you with your fat-ass hanging out all over the place in a hot tub with pea-green water. Being overweight doesn’t make you unattractive, but your unflattering picture does. Pictures where you are trying too hard; like you are topless, or the photo is of you and your sweet ride, or pictures where you have PhotoShopped a mermaid tail on yourself, are also bad. Pictures from your "modeling" portfolio also fall into the "trying too hard" catagory. I personally dislike photos that people take of themselves in the bathroom as well. I don’t want to look at a photo of you with your unflushed toilet or skanky public urinal in the background. Please do not post a picture of yourself in your wedding gown from a previous marriage. Even posting a photo you took of yourself in front of a mirror with your new boob job is better than that (this is not a good option either, but it is the lesser of the two evils).

Simple, close-up photos are the best way to attract attention from the opposite sex. However, don’t just take my word for it: let me break it down like a grade school science fair project.

My hypothesis is that normal and good main profile pictures will generate almost triple the amount of interest than an awful beast of a photo.

Background and Research:
To find out exactly how much a good or bad profile picture factors into how much interest your profile generates, I conducted an experiment with my own on-line dating profile.

The experiment will consist of taking 3 different pictures and using them as my main profile picture. Each photo will remain up as the main picture for a week, and I will check in periodically to count the number of views, winks, and emails my profile receives with each picture as its masthead.

Materials and Procedures:
The picture for Week 1 will be a full-length photo of me looking cute in a little black dress. The photo for Week 2 will be a close-up of my face, again looking quite cute and bright-eyed. The picture for Week 3 is a hideous monstrosity that I should have destroyed after my friend took it (see photo above). It’s an absolutely terrible photo of me – spliced to the mainbrace drunk – with a tampon shoved up my nostril - and I am trying to touch the tampon with my tongue.

The Results:

Week 1: The Full-Length Photo
Duration of Photo Exposure: 7 days (starting on Wednesday and ending on a Tuesday).
6 emails
13 winks

Week 2: The Close-Up
Duration of Photo Exposure: 7 days (Tuesday – Tuesday)
6 emails
19 winks

Week 3: The Fugly Tampon in Nostril Photo
Duration of Photo Exposure: 8 days (Tuesday – Wednesday)
2 emails
2 winks

Discussion of the Results:
The picture from Week 2 generated over 5 times the views as the picture from Week 3, and Week 3 even got an extra day. I repeat: over 5 times the amount of interest. That is how much a shitty-ass main profile picture will damage your chances of on-line dating success.

The second picture I posted, the close-up, had the biggest success rate. The full-length picture from Week 1 came in second place – 53 views behind the photo from Week 2.

While I figured the picture of me looking o so glamerous with a tampon in my nose wouldn't attract a lot of winks and emails, I am surprised that more guys didn't click on the photo to see what the hell was going on. Shallowness outweighs curiosity.

Interestingly enough, I would have thought the full-length photo would have attracted more interest, you know - ‘cause no guy wants to be dating a fatty. However, contrary to what I thought before this experiment, guys are actually more likely to check out a profile with a close-up shot of a face.

The moral to this story is: profiles with bad main profile pictures will be passed over. It doesn’t matter how witty and charming you are in your profile: it won’t even be read until you’ve put some pretty bait on the hook. Post a good picture of yourself, preferably a close-up, in order to generate more interest and views to your profile.

Good hunting.

Friday, September 4, 2009

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 9

Dating can be rough. Aside from your average bad dates, I have had a few dates where I feel like the guy is actually trying to suck the life force out of me like he is some kind of soul vampire.

However, no matter how bad your life gets as a swinging single, don't let it drain you of hope and make you sound like this guy. On-line dating profiles in which someone sounds jaded, bitter, or like a sniveling loser repel potential dates. Who would ever want to go on a date with someone who sounds so defeatist and complains like a little bitch?

Hey dude - guess what? Sometimes we all go through shit dating patches. Quit your whining, put your balls back on, and go hit on some snatch.
About Me And What I Am Looking For:

You know...being a "dude" on match[.com] is tough. Women have it easy. You get 20 e-mails and take your pick. We send out 20 e-mails and hope to get a response. It's really dis-heartening. I know it works this way because I've been out with enough people from match to make this assumption. I would love to jibber about myself but considering I find it useless. All I can say is I'd love to get to know just about anybody if given the chance. I'm here to meet people; not necessarily looking for love but hope to find it one day. My name is ______. Feel free to write me anytime.