Friday, February 5, 2010

Douchebag Of The Week #11: iluv34dcups

A terrible screen name will scare females off faster than a fat guy wearing a speedo, so when a friend of mine emailed me the link to iluv34dcups on-line dating profile, I readied my belly for gut-busting laughter.

Fellas - I cannot stress enough how important it is to have a decent screen name, or at least one that doesn't scream, "hey, I'm a douchebag". Use care in selecting the name that will be the first thing a potential suitor sees pertaining to you. A bad screen name will get your email deleted before it's even read, and vaginas locking up all over the world wide web.

With a name like iluv34dcups... I am picturing a crusty, drooling, old, 50-something perv with the "I like to watch" stare...

After viewing iluv34dcups profile, I see that he actually is a 50-year-old pervert who constantly talks about sex in his profile and doesn't have any hobbies other than buying his current sex partner a bunch of crap from Victoria Secret. He says nothing meaningful or significant about himself, and really just focuses on what he wants his ideal female to look like.

He goes on to describe the physical attributes of his ideal match, and aside from his obvious love for D cups, he also says his match must have a great "tush". Surely even old Redenbachers don't use that word anymore to describe their girlfriend's ass, and if they do, that alone should get them kicked in the junk.

My favorite part of iluv34dcups' profile is when he goes into detail about the size of his cock. If he's got to talk about it on his on-line dating profile, he must suffer from baby carrot or micro penis syndrome. Guys who brag about the size of their penises usually have tiny little dicks, so fellas, refrain from discussing the size of your Johnson on your on-line dating profile. Aside from being tacky and in poor taste, you are actually tipping us off to stay away from you and your inchworm.

Here's iluv34dcups profile:
“If you know Cinderella, tell her I've got her shoe! And her bra (34 D) and panties! Talk about leaving in a hurry! LOL.. Please claim soon!”

About My Life and What I'm Looking For:
Ambitious entrepreneur with no ex wives and no kids (that I know of) seeks single, sexy, good looking woman, slender 2 average build, with a beautiful bod (nice tush, great legs, and D's if possible, but I'll settle 4 a large C...LOL!), brains, good sense of humor who likes great food, champagne, nights on the town, romantic dinners followed by dancing and a few drinks, loves to receive and show lots of affection, preferably daily or nightly (maybe both?), especially in private, (we'll be doing a lot of shopping at Victoria's Secret, or at least I will for you!), and foreign travel as I will be doing a lot of it for business the next few years (Europe and India) plus I love Cancun and the Caribbean for vacations..(am I asking too much? LOL)

You get a nice looking (probably a solid 7. 5, maybe an 8 if the lights are low and you've been drinking-LOL..), intelligent, sensitive, honest, and ambitious guy with a full head of brown-blonde hair, blue eyes, a great sense of humor, whose loyal (once you have a 10 why look around?), and not afraid of commitment! (isn't that unusual!)

Definitely a 1 woman kind of guy..(No need to "dabble at a smorgasboard" when you've already got a great main course in your life and no need to go out with the "boys" for a night out either, even every once in a while..Life is too short, so enjoy every minute of it with the one who counts the most...I don't need my own space (what a crock!) and I don't go out with the guys, but if I did, she would go with me or I'd pass and stay home with her! Personally, I'd rather stay home with her and see what kind of trouble we could get into! LOL...)

And ladies, just a thought on your profiles...They want to see a pic of a good head shot, (not that kind of "head"-LMAO), a shot from the waist up, and a full length pic of you wearing a sexy dress or mini, if you can pull that off, and showing cleavage, if you have it. And if you still look good in a bikini, that's a plus, and if not, in a one piece where you look good...Guys R visual!

Favorite Hot Spots:
exotic beaches, upscale restaurants that serve a great rib eye, filet mignon, or shrimp and lobster, and the bedroom, which should be the best local hotspot of all!

Favorite Things:
Classic rock and disco...bring back the 70's! Favorite movies are comedies. Love filet mignon, ribeye, shrimp, lobster, and champagne with strawberries with cheesecake for dessert. Fireplaces and hot tubs with romantic music and good bottle of wine

Friday, January 15, 2010

Douchebag Of The Week #10: Dildo Man

In the on-line dating world, you do sometimes run across people who are married. Sometimes, they lie about being married, other times they are blatantly honest that they are married and looking to have casual sex or searching for a mistress.

This asshole is not only looking for a mistress to peg him with a dildo, he talks about how damn good of a great husband and father he is.

As if someone who is on a free Internet dating site looking for a mistress who will wear a strap-on so he can get fucked in the ass is a great husband. Especially when he talks about how drunk he likes to get on the weekends with his buddies and how bored and meaningless his life is during the week. He sounds like a fucking deadbeat husband and terrible father to me. I hope his wife Lorena Bobbits his cock.
I am thick, a cheat, and kinky.

My Self-Summary:
I'm fat. There, that's out of the way. Other than that I'm a smart guy with a decent education, working on my MBA…

I'm married but looking around. I am NOT looking for casual sex. I need a mistress. If you're OK with that please read more about me.

… I'm into computers, drinking, dancing when drunk enough, cigars, wine, learning, laughing, and people watching. I love cats, cooking, and debate… Currently I spend my days as a computer programmer, my nights as a student, and my weekends as a husband and father. I'm doing pretty damn good at all of those things.

I'm very goal oriented, and I have a long list of short and long term milestones I'm working on…

In my spare time I am on a quest to find good liquor and great cigars…

I'm sorry I don't have anything deep and meaningful to say here, but the fact is I'm not doing anything deep and meaningful with my life right now.

I’m really good at:
I'm great with computers, there's no doubt about that... I'm fucking awesome at drinking, I do it a lot. I'm pretty good at smoking cigars too.

I'm strangely good at exceeding expectations, but I think that comes from keeping people's expectations low to begin with.

The six things I could never do without:
My kids (love them).
Good conversation (need it).
Air conditioning (fat and sweaty).
Sex (need it).
Booze (need it).
Cigars (want them).

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
I am a male of the species, so all other thoughts are broken up frequently by thoughts of sex, oral sex, anal sex, and other sexy things.

On a typical Friday night I am:
I stay in, I go out, I party with a few friends, I party with the whole gang. The key item to take away from my Friday night is that I am not sitting around being bored. That's what weekdays are for.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here:
I like a big dildo up my ass sometimes. No, seriously. I'm into kinky sex and I'm not afraid to let it be known.

You should message me if:
If you're down with getting freaky. If you'd like to peg me with a strap-on. And most importantly, if you're OK with being the "other woman".

Friday, January 8, 2010

Mullet of the Week #1: The Mudflap vs. Product

The Mullet, one of the infamous hairstyles of the 80's known for being "business on top, party at the back". This haircut is also known as: The Tennessee Top Hat, Camaro Cap, Kentucky waterfall, The Mudflap, and The Canadian Passport.

Whatever name it goes by, fellas, cut that shit off.

How this haircut survived the 80's, I have no idea. It's like a cockroach. It just won't die.

This guy could be a sweetheart, but I will never know because I just can't get past that mullet. It's gelled, by Jove. Product. He went metrosexual on the mullet.

Mullets and hair gel should never go together, just like a mullets should not be coupled with porn 'stashes. A nasty product ridden mullet on top of a porno mustache is enough to make me reach for my Purell and my mace.

Poor guy. I just want to hold him down and shave his head. Along with his face.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Douchebag of The Week #9: BJ Lovin' Redenbacher

49-year-old men should know better than to try and act cute on their on-line dating profiles, but some don’t. At 49 I really hope you aren’t stoned and drunk. That’s fine in your 20’s and maybe your early 30s, but when your pushing 50 – it’s time to put the pipe down. Unless you need it for glaucoma.

Also, don’t email me and say how even though you are above my age cut-off, your age shouldn’t matter to me because you act like you're 14. I don’t want a 49-year-old dude who acts 14: that pretty much means you are a retarded 50-year-old, and that’s just sad.

Then you brag about how good you are at “something” which we know to mean sex. If you are bragging about it – it means you suck at it.

Also, dogging out your ex-wife on an on-line dating profile makes you look like an asshole with lots of drama in your life.

One last thing – for the love of the gods – you are 50, please don’t use smiley faces everywhere and talk about blow jobs. You're an immature old perv, and I don't want none of that.

Here’s Retarded Redenbacher's Profile:
I am stoned, drunk, and horny. r u??? ;o).

My Self-Summary:
OMG!!!!!! Do you really want to know??? I've made psychiatrists look for a new line of work after a few sessions with me.

What I’m doing with my life:
As little as possible. I'm still waiting for the mother ship to come back to earth to rescue me and take me back home, because there is obviously no intelligent life on this planet.
(or whatever the hell your name is in front of the "beam me up controller" thingy)

I’m really good at:
I think the powers that be will delete it from my profile if I list it here, so to save time and bandwidth, I'll have to tell you later ;o)
(use your imagination) ;o)

The first things people usually notice about me:
I have no freakin idea...... guess you'd have to ask those people. How the hell would I know what people notice about me??? Ask me if I care........ go ahead.......... ask me. :o)
My favorite books, movies, music, and food:

Harold and the Purple Crayon
(best book ever written. at least until mine is published)
Curious George
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
(or is it Willie Wonka??? I can't remember it's been so long ago)
Where the Wild Things Are

If it's on my plate and it's not moving, I'll probably eat it, however seafood, italian, and mexican are my favs.

The six things I could never do without
My kids
My Harley
Vegas vacations
Watching my son play baseball
a good blowjob ;o)
(hey, I thought honesty was the basis of any lasting relationship, right??? so I'm just being honest here. so sue me. you won't get much.) :o)

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
Reincarnation. When I get reincarnated, I'm going to come back as my ex wife so I can leave me the &*@% alone!!!!! ;o)

On a typical Friday night I am:
Bothering innocent women on the internet. Just haven't found too many innocent women yet. Are there any out there??? Just nod if you can hear me :o)

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here:
I will only whisper it in your ear. Come a little closer. I won't bite. Yes, I will. No, I won't. Well, maybe just a little nibble.
You should message me if
You're really freaking desperate ;o)
(or just want to go have some fun)
(or if you're crazier than I am)
(or all of the above)

Friday, November 13, 2009

Douchebag of the Week #8: Low Hanging Fruit Dude

What is wrong with a person who wants to date someone who is not smart and not good-looking? My guess is he is some kind of control freak. If the lady is too pretty or smart, she might leave him, but most likely she will never call his ass again after the first date. It also sounds like her main competition for this guy’s attention is with various phone sex operators. I sincerely hope that there are no women out their with such shitty self-esteem that they would actually consider contacting this wankshaft.

What kind of woman would respond to dating profile like this? “Hey! I am ugly and stoopid! This is the guy for me!”

Check out this freak’s profile:
52-year-old man

Body type: About average
Height: 5'5" (165cms)
Religion: Other
Smoke: No Way
Drink: Never

About my life and what I'm looking for:
I am chinese and I like to meet ladies that are asian. I like ladies that are nice, caring, thoughtful, and willing to try new things. I like to find someone that is not too smart, just average. I like to meet ladies that are between the age of 33 to 42, average looking, not marry or separate.

For fun:
I like to hear songs of Kenney Roger, Donny Osmond, and etc. I like to eat out at the restaurant, sometimes see movies. In my spare time, I like to talk with ladies on the phone. I also like to collect coins and rolex watches.

Favorite hot spots:
I like to eat all kinds of chinese and american food, the only food I don't like is Indian food, because I went to this restaurant, I didn't eat any of this kind of food. I like to attend any coffee shops. I like to go to reno and Las Vagas.

Favorite things:
My favorite thing to eat is seafoods and all colors are my favorite, except yellow and green. In the rainy day, I like to listen to music, and I like to shop at Mervilyn and Ross department store.

About my date:
Eyes: Black
Height: 5'2" (158cms) to 5'5" (165cms)
Body type: About average, Slender
Ethnicity: Asian, Pacific Islander

Friday, November 6, 2009

What's In A Name: Lesson 1

The screen name you pick for yourself will be one of the first things, if not the first thing, a potential date will see. Just like having a bad profile picture, a bad screen name can have you dateless and home alone choking your smurf.

The screen name you pick for an on-line dating site will be with you for the duration of your existence in the on-line dating world. Your screen name is a window, revealing something about yourself while simultaneously serving as an attention getter. Therefore, a funny screen name could make a potential suitor curious, while a dodgy screen name could have your emails deleted before they are even read.

There’s is nothing worse that checking your on-line profile for email, seeing you have a email from someone with the screen name Born_2_Fart or Dav_poundmuff.

Hello, vomit. Welcome to my mouth. No, don’t leave. Stay a while, and then just go back the way you came.

My buddy Randum was repulsed upon seeing that a man with the screen name “Flower” had contacted her via her on-line dating profile. The irony with Flower is that he has this wussy girly-man screen name, but he looks quite the brute and drives a mustang.

In cyberspace, your screen name reveals a lot about your personality, or a hobby, or a side of you. Select a screen name that says something about you or is a conversation starter; like Scuba_Steve82, knifethrower, or Dave_in_Denver. I also ran across the screen name “notta_douche” a while back, and that made me laugh.

Here are some other crappy screen names I have come across:


Friday, October 30, 2009

What The Fuck Profile #1: The Maritime Murderer

This profile reads like a want ad a serial killer would place in order to find a victim. Why in Satan's hot Hell would you want to take off with someone, alone, on their boat, to South America, when you haven't dated them for at least a couple of months? You body will end up with Natalee Holloway's.

The guy did not even post a picture, so your friends and family could not even tell the police what the guy looked like when the fuzz come by asking who you took off sailing to the Dominican Republic with after your landlord files a missing person report.

This guy may be the head slave trader. Holy shit.

Here's his profile:

Looking for Long Term MATE. Best Frend and LOVER..Let's see the world. Tom , STILL In the D R now 8 / 11 / 09

* 65-year-old man
* seeking women 107-120
* within 4 miles of North Palm Beach, Florida, United States

Body type: No Answer
Height: 7'6" (229cms)
Religion: Spiritual but not religious
Smoke: No Answer
Drink: No Answer

About my life and what I'm looking for:
Do you Think you would like living on A 65 Boat / swimming / travel / adventure !!!! I live and cruse full time aboard a 65' trawler At this TIME 8 / 11 /09 i am in The Dominican Republic, Luperon aboard MV Essential Part getting ready to go south To Putrco Rico St Thomas St john St croix. centeral America and on. Yes the boat is big enough. E mail me if you have any question's There are so many things to cover and try and explain for this life style very easy going.

Looking For My best frend and lover to travel with.
Yes I am a long term cruser since 2003

I like to live in shorts
Work hard play hard
and enjoy life..

I like light jaz swim ,dive ,cook, and see new things and places I make KILLER FUDGE !! cant find any here in the D R maby I should start selling it.. all the other boaters love it, How about U.?

Liveing and crusing on my boat is Not, as much fun alone!!!!!!
I just Renewed my acc for 3 months 4/ 8 / 09 upping anchor on MV /ESSENTIAl PART and moving south slowly destination ??? some place . HOME IS WHERE THE BOAT IS !!
Want to stop in south america to refuel 2 month from now or 1 1/2 years , no watch or calander I will be checking in here as Internet conection permit..
If you have a (REAL INTREST) in this life Style contact ME.. DR at this time 7 / 1/ 09 out of here in three weeks Maby, It is realey nice here and the people are wonderfull .Then to haul the boat and paint bottom so will need to haul in Trinadad at some point ..will spend some time in St Thomas and stay for a wile ( Come on down ....)