Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Douchebag of The Week #9: BJ Lovin' Redenbacher

49-year-old men should know better than to try and act cute on their on-line dating profiles, but some don’t. At 49 I really hope you aren’t stoned and drunk. That’s fine in your 20’s and maybe your early 30s, but when your pushing 50 – it’s time to put the pipe down. Unless you need it for glaucoma.

Also, don’t email me and say how even though you are above my age cut-off, your age shouldn’t matter to me because you act like you're 14. I don’t want a 49-year-old dude who acts 14: that pretty much means you are a retarded 50-year-old, and that’s just sad.

Then you brag about how good you are at “something” which we know to mean sex. If you are bragging about it – it means you suck at it.

Also, dogging out your ex-wife on an on-line dating profile makes you look like an asshole with lots of drama in your life.

One last thing – for the love of the gods – you are 50, please don’t use smiley faces everywhere and talk about blow jobs. You're an immature old perv, and I don't want none of that.

Here’s Retarded Redenbacher's Profile:
__________________________________________________________________________________
I am stoned, drunk, and horny. r u??? ;o).

My Self-Summary:
OMG!!!!!! Do you really want to know??? I've made psychiatrists look for a new line of work after a few sessions with me.

What I’m doing with my life:
As little as possible. I'm still waiting for the mother ship to come back to earth to rescue me and take me back home, because there is obviously no intelligent life on this planet.
"BEAM ME UP SCOTTY"!!!!!!!
(or whatever the hell your name is in front of the "beam me up controller" thingy)

I’m really good at:
I think the powers that be will delete it from my profile if I list it here, so to save time and bandwidth, I'll have to tell you later ;o)
(use your imagination) ;o)

The first things people usually notice about me:
I have no freakin idea...... guess you'd have to ask those people. How the hell would I know what people notice about me??? Ask me if I care........ go ahead.......... ask me. :o)
My favorite books, movies, music, and food:

Books:
Harold and the Purple Crayon
(best book ever written. at least until mine is published)
Curious George
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
(or is it Willie Wonka??? I can't remember it's been so long ago)
Where the Wild Things Are

Food:
If it's on my plate and it's not moving, I'll probably eat it, however seafood, italian, and mexican are my favs.

The six things I could never do without
My kids
My Harley
Vegas vacations
Watching my son play baseball
Fishing
a good blowjob ;o)
(hey, I thought honesty was the basis of any lasting relationship, right??? so I'm just being honest here. so sue me. you won't get much.) :o)

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
Reincarnation. When I get reincarnated, I'm going to come back as my ex wife so I can leave me the &*@% alone!!!!! ;o)

On a typical Friday night I am:
Bothering innocent women on the internet. Just haven't found too many innocent women yet. Are there any out there??? Just nod if you can hear me :o)

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here:
I will only whisper it in your ear. Come a little closer. I won't bite. Yes, I will. No, I won't. Well, maybe just a little nibble.
You should message me if
You're really freaking desperate ;o)
(or just want to go have some fun)
(or if you're crazier than I am)
(or all of the above)

3 comments:

Jibbly said...

From the questions on the profile looks like you're using OKCupid?

Eclipse75048 said...

I think this one is my fav so far. By far, the most egregious thing was the massacre of punctuation rules. Fuck me, I want to kill that guy.

Leslie The Pirate said...

Hi Jibbly. You are correct. I have ventured in to OK Cupid territory.

I think it's good to pull from lots of different sources, and Match.com has changed the way their profiles show up in searches, making it much harder for me to browse for douchebags.

Hi Eclipse. Bad punctuation makes me want to shank someone.