Friday, August 28, 2009

Douchebag Of The Week #5: Mid-Life Crises Mo

Old-Men Douchebags are easy to spot in the wilds of on-line dating. First of all, their age is out there for everyone to see, even if they misrepresent themselves by using old pictures from when they were younger. Secondly, 40-year-old douchebags always say shit like “seeking women 18 – 35”. These Viagra poppers never pursue women their own age.

Mid-life Crises guys also reveal themselves as being such when they incessantly proclaim they can still do the same activities they did 20 years ago. Fellas – if you feel the need to point this out: you’re too old to be talking to 20-year-olds.

Skeezy old geezers brag about all their toys in an attempt to bait their younger prey with flashy, shiny objects. This hunting technique has proved most successful for the Redenbachers. For their success rate I would like to thank my slutty, gold-digging counterparts, whose lack of dignity unwittingly subject the rest of us females to Old-Man Douchebag’s sexual advances.

Behavior is learned through positive and negative reinforcement, and these old bastards must be getting laid because of it or they wouldn’t keep it up. Fuck you for that gold-diggers.

Mid-Life Crises Mo is a commitment-phoebe. He’ll never admit it though. This geezer openly states that although he is 40, his longest relationship is 6 months.

This Manther stands out among the vast array of assholes out there because of his extravagant pompousness. His best moment is not when he insults fatties, but when he insults women nearer his age by saying they age like goats. Mr. Mid-Life Crises Shmo - if you are the one using old pictures on your profile, doesn’t that imply that you are the one who ages like a goat?

One more thing Redenbacher, if you are 40, you are too old to put a DJ booth in your house. Your house is not the club, and DJ’s do more than spin “The 80’s Greatest Rock Anthems”.

Here is the skuz-bucket email this wanker sent me that alerted me to his existence.

Redenbacher: “Dang...if I beer kiss you on our first date, just know that I couldn't help it ok?
Just be sure to introduce yourself right after...”

Me: “First of all, a 40-year-old would not get a first date with me. Second of all, if you tried to beer kiss me I would kick you in the fucking nuts. Fuck off, Geezah.”

Mid-Life Crises Mo’s Profile:
"God I can't wait to get my new motorcycle!"

* 40-year-old man
* seeking women 18-35

About my life and what I'm looking for:
Back on Match after at least a 6 month layoff; I don't get out much anymore but when I do it seems like I make up for lost time. I just hate "having all this stuff" and nobody to share anything with. You 20-something year olds will know what I'm talking about when all your friends are married. I'm pretty much at the point where I'll sell my business if it mean enjoying someone else's company. I'm secure enough to be able to be able to make big choices to fulfill even bigger dreams.

I like to keep a lot of plates spinning but I learned years ago that the act accomplishes nothing. Being quasi-talented is only good when you can stay focused on one plate. Now I save the rest of the plates for my spaghetti to rest on top of.

For those of you who eat Xanax for breakfast or posess any other personality that contains the attention span of a 3 year old, allow me to express myself in a way to which you are more accustomed:

I wish I had more time to read.
I hate traffic.
I like animals.
Yo hablo espanol.

Odd factoids about me:

1. I own 5 televisions but never watch them.
2. 50% of my girlfriends end up marrying the next guy they go out with. (Congrats to the latest, Christina)
3. I created the nation's first support group for people who don't receive their merchandise rebates they send away for in the mail.
4. I made up #3

Because you'll ask, the longest relationship I've ever had is 6 months. Women's jaws drop when I say that but consider this: I know myself well enough to know whether or not something is going to work or not. You will know what I'm talking about when you get older.

The next person who tells me my pictures are like ten years old is going to get slapped. Just because you age like a mountain goat doesn't meant the rest of the world doesn't know how to take immaculate care of themselves. Some people's kids I swear...

For Fun:
The gym, rollerblading in the park are always favorites. I compete against myself & can still emulate activities I did 20 years ago. I'm happy now that I'm a homeowner I have a separate building on my property that I built a gym in.

My Job:
I'm a homebody at this stage of life. Every time I see an immensely hot woman with some fat slob with chewing tobacco stains running down their shirt, a little voice inside me says "why do you even bother going out?!" I guess I'm starting to listen!
my ethnicity:

Favorite Things:
I love rain, music; I'm building a DJ booth in my bar for entertaining - wohoo! A recording studio would be cool too.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 8

Refrain from launching into a scary 1950’s ideal about marriage and your ideal man in the opening statements of your on-line dating profile.

It may be difficult, especially if you just got out of a relationship where you have been really hurt, but try to sound warm and inviting. You don’t want to scare potential dates away, and that’s what profiles describing your dream guy down to every last detail do. Boys do not gravitate towards rancorous shrews.

I’ve actually been doing a bit of experimenting in this aspect with my own on-line dating profile.

I have my standard “Hi – I’m single and cute and fun” introduction, but a few weeks ago I added a “bitter” paragraph. The bitter paragraph is a rant about what type of guys shouldn’t even bother reading my profile.

Since adding this paragraph, I have not received as many emails and winks as I did previously. The men who do contact me ask about the paragraph right away, and one of these suitors commented that the statement reeked of a bad past relationship.

As resentment tends to scare people off, please leave it out of your online dating profile. Even if you did manage to meet someone, despite sounding like a insistent hell-cat on your profile, you don’t want to embark on a new dating relationship dragging the ghosts of relationships past along with you.

Here’s a frightening little succubus I came across a few weeks ago. Could you imagine trying to please this woman? Oy Vey.


Be gentle, it's my first time.

I'm at the point in my life where I'm ready to settle down. But I'm also very selective in what type of guy I am looking for. I would definitely love to find Mr. Right, but I'm still having fun and enjoying my life until I find him! :) When I am finally married, my husband will be the breadwinner and go to work, and I will stay at home and make sure he comes home to a clean house with dinner on the table!

As for my perfect match, of course I want a prince on a white horse... but when I'm not looking on the world through the pink glasses, I just want a good man. He is handsome, has good manners, has a decent job, has never been married, does not have children but wants them soon, carries in the bags from the supermarket, likes my home-cooked dinners, thinks I'm adorable, remembers important dates, makes me laugh. He is also strong, focused, knows the importance of family, doesn't gossip, keeps his promises, makes his own fortune, and strives to be a role model.

My mother is Japanese, and my father is German.
my religion:

my religion:
I go to shul on some Shabbats, and I want to raise my children Jewishly.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Freak of the Week #1: Dude Looks Like A Lady

Please only post a picture of yourself as your primary photo. Imagine my confusion when I opened my “Daily 5”, which is a set of 5 guys that emails subscribers on a daily basis, and I see a photo of a lady. An old lady. Had I had just been paired with an over 50 heterosexual tranny by my on-line dating service?


After staring at my computer screen for a good minute, befuddled as fuck, I began to think that maybe this guy wasn’t a tranny. Maybe some guy uploaded a picture of his mom instead of himself, or maybe he has a granny fetish.

I had to check out this profile and find out what was going on with this guy.

It took me going through this guy’s profile to decipher that the 50+ woman in his main profile picture is not him dressed in drag. So, is it his mom? I haven’t the foggiest. After reading his rant about women and mothers though – he very well could suffer from Norman Bates syndrome.

Posting a good and actual photo of yourself as a main profile picture is detrimental to cyber-dating success. Some folks just don’t seem to have common sense enough to get that. I wonder how many emails this dude and his mom have received from women? My guess is zilch.

Check out what Norman had to say:

* 32-year-old man
* seeking women 30-50

About My Life And What I'm Looking For:

I am ambitious, purposeful man with interesting life. I just need my second half, nothing else. I could tell to you a lot of good about myself. But it would be silly in all .

I believe in the family unit. The mother is the center of it all: being the main heart which beats for the man and the children. We all use her love to replenish our own hearts with joy and warmth, and we honor her for this. I also believe the man to be the leader of the family. When trouble arises from the outside world, his body will be a shield, and cover his wife and children as they huddle underneath him. He should be like a rock these outside negative forces break themselves against when trying to harm his family and his love. His best friend: his wife. I have been around the world, on my own… and when I say I will be somewhere, I will be, so you better be waiting with open arms and a warm smile if you ask me to come! I am not interested in games, so please don’t contact me if you are not serious about finding your soul mate. I am looking for that special someone who has eluded me so far in my life: my soul mate, my true love, my one and only, forever... If you really want to know more about me, what I like, what drives me and what fuels the passion in my heart to write, to be creative, to live, everyday, and love life, discover the name of the band and the song behind these lyrics: “Was it in the cold of that knife you screwed in the heart of the enduring? 'Cause when you opened that door, you knew, well now, there'd be no returning, Or room to mourn what we have lost, to wait while the willing.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Things People Lie About on Their On-Line Dating Profile: #1 - Smoking

As I investigate the on-line dating sub-culture, I have noticed a few common things people lie about. Because yes, to much shock and horror, people on the internet lie. In reality, on-line dating profiles contain the same lies that you may hear at a bar on a Friday night, although it’s much easier to sniff out a rat when they’re sitting right across from you, looking you in the eye, their little whiskers twitching away. It’s not shocking that someone in search of booty or a relationship would be dishonest, no matter the environment, but what is interesting is the commonality and just how many things are lied about.

The lie that I am addressing today is one that permeates male online dating profiles, and it concerns smoking. On under the “do you smoke” question, your options are:

No Answer
No Way
Cigar aficionado
Trying to Quit

The non-smokers always check “No Way”, because you know how non-smokers are. They let their smoking preference be known and they aren’t afraid to make city and statewide laws about where you can smoke. Bitches.

On the other hand, many smokers lie about the amount they smoke. It’s to the point where I think it is fair to say that if anyone checks anything other than the “No Way” box – they smoke, and they smoke more than they let on. However, I must point out that the dude who's picture I've posted here checked the "No Way" box on the smoking question but has a picture of himself with a cigarette. So, does he smoke when he drinks or is his picture just a joke?

An ex-boyfriend of mine is on my dating network, and he chain smokes after waking up in the morning, takes frequent smoke breaks at work, smokes in the car continuously, and he has to wear a nicotine patch on long plane rides. The box he checked in the smoking column is “Occasionally”. The audacity: I’m the real “Occasional” smoker. After I saw his profile, I sent him an email asking why he’s lying about the smoking, and he said, “because I’m trying to cut down”. If that is true, he needs to check “Trying to Quit”. This informs potential dates that you’re a hard-core smoker that is addicted, but you toy with the idea of quitting occasionally.

Another liar I met on this dating website smokes as much as my ex, and he also checked the “Occasionally” box. He constantly has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and on those rare occasions when the cigarette is not in his mouth, he wheezes. If you are smoking a pack a day – you are a daily smoker. The “Occasional” description of the amount he smokes is just plain dishonest, although, in his defense, he isn’t very forthright in general.

I met another guy who checked the “Cigar Aficionado” box, and after months of dating, I never saw him smoke a cigar. He likes the occasional clove, and tends to smoke when he drinks and during study breaks. Perhaps I am mistaken, but doesn’t this make you an “Occasional” smoker?

So, thank you liars, for filling my on-line dating experience with little surprises. In the meantime, stop lying on your on-line dating profile. All lies are quickly discovered and all rats are eventually sniffed out. I should stock up on Arsenic.

I would also like for online dating networks to add a "pot smoker" option to profiles, as I have met more than one pothead through online dating websites. Not that these guys would be honest about their drug use on a profile anyway, but it would be amusing.