Friday, August 28, 2009

Douchebag Of The Week #5: Mid-Life Crises Mo

Old-Men Douchebags are easy to spot in the wilds of on-line dating. First of all, their age is out there for everyone to see, even if they misrepresent themselves by using old pictures from when they were younger. Secondly, 40-year-old douchebags always say shit like “seeking women 18 – 35”. These Viagra poppers never pursue women their own age.

Mid-life Crises guys also reveal themselves as being such when they incessantly proclaim they can still do the same activities they did 20 years ago. Fellas – if you feel the need to point this out: you’re too old to be talking to 20-year-olds.

Skeezy old geezers brag about all their toys in an attempt to bait their younger prey with flashy, shiny objects. This hunting technique has proved most successful for the Redenbachers. For their success rate I would like to thank my slutty, gold-digging counterparts, whose lack of dignity unwittingly subject the rest of us females to Old-Man Douchebag’s sexual advances.

Behavior is learned through positive and negative reinforcement, and these old bastards must be getting laid because of it or they wouldn’t keep it up. Fuck you for that gold-diggers.

Mid-Life Crises Mo is a commitment-phoebe. He’ll never admit it though. This geezer openly states that although he is 40, his longest relationship is 6 months.

This Manther stands out among the vast array of assholes out there because of his extravagant pompousness. His best moment is not when he insults fatties, but when he insults women nearer his age by saying they age like goats. Mr. Mid-Life Crises Shmo - if you are the one using old pictures on your profile, doesn’t that imply that you are the one who ages like a goat?

One more thing Redenbacher, if you are 40, you are too old to put a DJ booth in your house. Your house is not the club, and DJ’s do more than spin “The 80’s Greatest Rock Anthems”.

Here is the skuz-bucket email this wanker sent me that alerted me to his existence.

Redenbacher: “Dang...if I beer kiss you on our first date, just know that I couldn't help it ok?
Just be sure to introduce yourself right after...”

Me: “First of all, a 40-year-old would not get a first date with me. Second of all, if you tried to beer kiss me I would kick you in the fucking nuts. Fuck off, Geezah.”

Mid-Life Crises Mo’s Profile:
"God I can't wait to get my new motorcycle!"

* 40-year-old man
* seeking women 18-35

About my life and what I'm looking for:
Back on Match after at least a 6 month layoff; I don't get out much anymore but when I do it seems like I make up for lost time. I just hate "having all this stuff" and nobody to share anything with. You 20-something year olds will know what I'm talking about when all your friends are married. I'm pretty much at the point where I'll sell my business if it mean enjoying someone else's company. I'm secure enough to be able to be able to make big choices to fulfill even bigger dreams.

I like to keep a lot of plates spinning but I learned years ago that the act accomplishes nothing. Being quasi-talented is only good when you can stay focused on one plate. Now I save the rest of the plates for my spaghetti to rest on top of.

For those of you who eat Xanax for breakfast or posess any other personality that contains the attention span of a 3 year old, allow me to express myself in a way to which you are more accustomed:

I wish I had more time to read.
I hate traffic.
I like animals.
Yo hablo espanol.

Odd factoids about me:

1. I own 5 televisions but never watch them.
2. 50% of my girlfriends end up marrying the next guy they go out with. (Congrats to the latest, Christina)
3. I created the nation's first support group for people who don't receive their merchandise rebates they send away for in the mail.
4. I made up #3

Because you'll ask, the longest relationship I've ever had is 6 months. Women's jaws drop when I say that but consider this: I know myself well enough to know whether or not something is going to work or not. You will know what I'm talking about when you get older.

The next person who tells me my pictures are like ten years old is going to get slapped. Just because you age like a mountain goat doesn't meant the rest of the world doesn't know how to take immaculate care of themselves. Some people's kids I swear...

For Fun:
The gym, rollerblading in the park are always favorites. I compete against myself & can still emulate activities I did 20 years ago. I'm happy now that I'm a homeowner I have a separate building on my property that I built a gym in.

My Job:
I'm a homebody at this stage of life. Every time I see an immensely hot woman with some fat slob with chewing tobacco stains running down their shirt, a little voice inside me says "why do you even bother going out?!" I guess I'm starting to listen!
my ethnicity:

Favorite Things:
I love rain, music; I'm building a DJ booth in my bar for entertaining - wohoo! A recording studio would be cool too.


Courtney said...

2. 50% of my girlfriends end up marrying the next guy they go out with. (Congrats to the latest, Christina)

Date this douche, dump him and the next guy you meet well - 50% chance he'll be the one.

One Sassy Girl said...

Ha! Great post. D-bags are pretty effing good at disguising themselves, which is surprising considering how lacking they are in every other aspect of life!

mysterg said...

I'm with Courtney here - that 50% figure suggests that by comparison any man seems like a saint after they've dated this guy!

Oh and the spam word was 'wariest' - very apt.

Miss Peregrin said...

Oh dear god. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

La Belle Mere UK said...

Ha haaa..... love your post. Spent money a scary year on the online dating scene myself. You've just reminded me of what a complete waste of potential drinking time it was!

Found you through Hot Piece of Sass - very funny!

LBM xxx

P.S - I bloody love pirates!

S.E. Sward said...

LOL! I hadn't heard the term 'Redenbacher' before - clearly, having been with the same man for 17 years, I'm no longer up on my dating nomenclature. All I can say is: Thank God I don't have to date anymore. Good luck, girl - you'll have to kiss a lot of bilge rats before you find your swashbuckling prince. And if you feel like seeing what life is like 17 years after you find your swashbuckling prince, check out this post from my blog:

Found you through Hot Piece of Sass - loved the name Leslie the Pirate and just HAD to check you out.

La Belle Mere UK said...

Why not move to Scotland where you could hook up with some of these lovelies......