Status Update #1: eHarmony Sucks Hairy Balls

I reluctantly re-entered the on-line dating world after a devastating break-up with a man I thought I'd grow old with: a man I met on an on-line dating website called Match.com. After meeting on-line and dating for 10 months, out of nowhere one day when we were in South Africa, he picked up his backpack, turned his back on me, and walked off down a dirt road; leaving me totally alone standing in the tall grass. He never said a word.

He didn't literally leave me on a roadside in South Africa. Oddly enough, that was the nightmare I had the day before he got all freaked out about "us" and stopped speaking to me. The break-up was excruciatingly cruel and I was beyond heart-broken when he left. My soul felt dead. My body was like one of Persephone's shades mournfully flittering across earth.

After all break-ups, even the ones where the guy acts like a complete weasel fucker, you eventually have to get back on the horse, or at least that is what everyone tells you. As I held a big fat-ass grudge against Match.com for introducing me to man who treated me like I gave him an STD and murdered his puppy, I decided to sign up for eHarmony.

What a mistake.

I went on two dates with guys from eHarmony. One was a nasty little hobbit that lied about his height, and the date consisted of me getting my ear raped for 2 hours.

However, I don't blame eHarmony for the bad dates, they just suck hairy, elephant balls. Period. This is why:

1.) The website selects matches for you. They do this based off a series of questionnaires that you fill out when you sign up for eHarmony. Apparently eHarmony thinks I am a good match for severely overweight truck drivers.

2.) After you are sent a certain number of matches per week, you do not get any more matches for a week - sometimes more. So if you get 20 matches that all happen to be sewer cleaners that haven't posted any pictures of themselves - tough tits - you don't get any more matches till next week.

3.) You can only buy subscriptions in 3, 6, or 12 month increments. The monthly subscription option is expensive as hell, and the seven day free trail doesn’t allow you to communicate with other members.

4.) The profiles are a set up as questions that everyone has to write out an answer for. They use the same set of questions, so everyone sounds the same.

Example: "Who is the most influential person in your life besides your parents?"
Answer: 85% say their grandparents, 5% say their brother, and 5% name one of their parents anyway.

5.) The "customer service" at eHarmony is a fucking joke. I had to deal with their customer service agents on two occasions, and one of them was for eHarmony automatically renewing my subscription after I attempted to cancel it. Bastards.

6.) The same people with eHarmony accounts also have accounts on Match.com (which is cheaper) and Plenty of Fish (which is free).

I wouldn't recommend eHarmony to an actual human, but maybe I would to a hobbit.