Thursday, July 2, 2009

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 6

Please to do not write a page-length metaphor about a river as your on-line dating profile into.

I love me some literary devices, but when I know nothing about you except that you have a beard like Grizzly Adams, do not rant about how life is like a river. You are not Garth Brooks.

After Grizzly makes us read through his river rant, he dives into details about all the women he’s had relationships with. That info has no place on an on-line dating profile and should only be divulged in a conversation with your new romantic interest when the subject has been naturally broached. No wonder no one has winked at his profile.

Maybe I am just in a pissy mood today, but after reading through that river shite I want to mow down this guy’s river raft with my ship and give him a proper keelhaul. What's a shame is that this guy might actually be a fun date for a nice outdoorsy type woman; I mean heck, he likes to river raft. However, no woman is going to read through all the hippie douchebag crap on his profile, let alone shoot him an email.

Please lay off the ganja before you fill out your on-line dating profile introduction, Mr. Adams.

Grizzly’s Profile:
About my life and what I'm looking for:
Life is like a river flowing calmly and majestically downward curving this way and that way with rocks and steep walls that need to be negotiated. As you take the journey down the river it speeds up moving ever faster downward and becomes quite violent, the water now flows over the rocks and forms big holes in the river. You move this way and that way dogging and negotiating what mother earth has put before you. But no matter how hard you try you will mess up and bump against rock or fall into that hole and it seems like all will be lost to the river. But some how with faith in life you recover and nothing is lost and you are stronger and more knowledgeable about how you approach the next stretch of the river. Knowing that you have survived what has been another great adventure and wonderful journey in life you will do it again and again until you get it right.

I married when I was young and she was younger but on and off we did last 8 years together. I then meet another wonderful woman and had a lot going with her, it was good thing until lust got me and the her control drove me away, we were together for 12 years. The one I lusted after was truly fun everyone loved her, but she was not willing to help out when it came to making life better…

I have my own pension income and a jack of all trades so to speak, so I am in demand for small jobs for buying my extra man toys in life.
I have not signed up yet for I don't want to get sucked in buy some affiliate trying to stifle money out of me. I've had 117 views of my pic, 48 profile views, 2 emails and whopping 0 winks ! More winks more emails then maybe I'll find my next love, patients my love.

For fun:
Have lots of free time being retired. I've been building my on solar system and have my living room running on green. Planting a garden and getting the boat ready for some river trips. Hiking to the nearby hot springs for some early moring soaks.


Kiefer and Emo said...

First of all bullshit. Life is not a fucking river it's a God damned stillwater pond punctuated by brief flashes of horrible tsunami. You don't negotiate anything, you duck and hold your breath and then when it's gone by you get drunk and laugh your ass off because what the fuck.

But hark - he says he's building a solar system. So he's God amirite?

Sarah K said...

the river BS was a thinly veiled metaphor for sex. or maybe i'm just a pervert.

building on a solar system? running on green? why is proof reading a lost art? the skill of assumption and interpretation is required these days.

NobodyofValue said...

running on green? Green as in Pot?


This dudes beard hides most of his face at least... though i dunno how anyone could get through all that hair to land a kiss...