Thursday, June 25, 2009

Douchebag of the Week #3: Best Lover EVER

I have discovered through the course of my life that any guy who brags about how awesome he is in bed usually sucks donkey balls at sex, and the more they brag about it – the worse they are. At this rate, this guy must be the worst lay ever.

Considering he is trying to woo females in cyberspace, he really shouldn’t have written in all caps either. I don’t like getting yelled at; especially when the yelling revolves around how good of a lover you are. Lovers don’t yell at females when they are courting, novice. He keeps talking about lips too, and that is so subjective during sex conversations: which set of lips is he thinking about? What a creep.

He also disses his fat and bald competition. Why the hate? Some overweight and bald guys are pretty attractive, especially in comparison to some conceited Bee Gee reject.

I’ve got the fucking “Stayin Alive” lyrics stuck in my head now. I hate this guy for that.

Here’s this lover’s own words:
_____________________________________________________________
SEXY TAKECHARGE MALE, SEEKS A OPENMINDED LADY FOR NON STOP PASSION... ARE YOU THE ONE?

LADIES IF YOU DO NOT LIKE SEXY GUYS I AM NOT FOR YOU ..THERE ARE PLENTY OF BALD AND FAT GUYS OUT THERE FOR YOU..I AM ALL MAN AND VERY TAKE CHARGE AND A EXCELLENT LOVER AND YOU BE TO OR I WILL TEACH YOU..... I WOULD BE WILLING TO RELOCATE FOR THE RIGHT LADY.... LOOK AT MY PHOTOS YOU CAN HAVE ME 24/7 THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.....IT IS ABOUT TIME FOR YOU TO BE HAPPY.........LADIES REMEMBER I AM NOT YOUR AVERAGE MAN..I WILL MAKE YOU FELL LIKE YOU ARE 15 AGAIN WE WILL BE MAKING OUT DAILY SO GET YOU LIPS IN SHAPE, WE WILL START OUT MAKING OUT 1 HOUR PER DAY THEN THEN GET TO 3 HOURS, YOUR GIRL FRIENDS WILL HATE YOU WHEN THEY FIND ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE, REMEMBER SEX KEEPS YOU YOUNG AND YOU WILL NEVER BE BORED, YOU BODY WILL BE A BUFFET FOR ME DAILY, JUST BE YOURSELF AT ALL TIMES I WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR MIND FIRST…

SO STOPING WASTING TIME AND CONTAC ME NOW AND GET YOUR LIPS IN SHAPE...

For fun:
I LIKE TO GAMBLE...

My job:
...SEEKING A OPEN MINDED LADY, WHO DRESSES LIKE A LADY YOU BE VERY FEM, AND LOVE TO BE SPOILED IN A LTR.........

My religion:
....I AM DIVORCED KNOW KIDS MY X WAS A HIGH FASHION MODEL....MOST PEOPLE SAY I AM ONE OF A KIND... LET'S GROW OLD TOGETHER.

Favorite hot spots:
LASVEGAS.... BEACH NIGHT CLUBS IN VEGAS AND FLORIDA ECT.

Favorite things:
GETTING TO NO LADY'S MIND SEE WHAT MAKES HER TICK, I WANT TO NO YOUR FANTASIES WHAT TURNS YOU MUST BE VERY OPEN, YOUR BRAIN IS EVERTHING THING TO ME…

Last read:
PEOPLE SAY I LOOK LIKE ONE OF THE BEE GEES, THE PLEASURE ZONES OF A WOMENS BODY…

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ray, don't you always brag about how good in bed you are?

NobodyofValue said...

All I can say is good catch, Pirate! I think he really is a Bee Gee.

NobodyofValue said...

Oh, and I am the clit commander... just to let ya'll know.

Sarah K said...

is it just me, or did everyone else have a really creepy, gravely narrative voice inside their head while reading this? i need to take a "silkwood" shower now. thanks.

Kiefer and Emo said...

I am an average sized mediocre bedmate who has a lot to learn. myself.

Petite G. said...

THAT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS!! I HOPE YOU CAN HEAR ME...

Father Simon Super Priest said...

I am a fat guy with a full head of hair, and I am excellent in bed. I can make you shiver with excitement wench, Behold my power

Anonymous said...

Two things
1. I shiver at the thought of him saying I could have him 24/7. I don't even want him 1/7.
2. Any man that spells "know" as "no" is a fucking idiot. As if the rest of the profile didn't tip you off!
-Rockstar