Douchebag Of The Week #11: iluv34dcups

A terrible screen name will scare females off faster than a fat guy wearing a speedo, so when a friend of mine emailed me the link to iluv34dcups on-line dating profile, I readied my belly for gut-busting laughter.

Fellas - I cannot stress enough how important it is to have a decent screen name, or at least one that doesn't scream, "hey, I'm a douchebag". Use care in selecting the name that will be the first thing a potential suitor sees pertaining to you. A bad screen name will get your email deleted before it's even read, and vaginas locking up all over the world wide web.

With a name like iluv34dcups... I am picturing a crusty, drooling, old, 50-something perv with the "I like to watch" stare...

After viewing iluv34dcups profile, I see that he actually is a 50-year-old pervert who constantly talks about sex in his profile and doesn't have any hobbies other than buying his current sex partner a bunch of crap from Victoria Secret. He says nothing meaningful or significant about himself, and really just focuses on what he wants his ideal female to look like.

He goes on to describe the physical attributes of his ideal match, and aside from his obvious love for D cups, he also says his match must have a great "tush". Surely even old Redenbachers don't use that word anymore to describe their girlfriend's ass, and if they do, that alone should get them kicked in the junk.

My favorite part of iluv34dcups' profile is when he goes into detail about the size of his cock. If he's got to talk about it on his on-line dating profile, he must suffer from baby carrot or micro penis syndrome. Guys who brag about the size of their penises usually have tiny little dicks, so fellas, refrain from discussing the size of your Johnson on your on-line dating profile. Aside from being tacky and in poor taste, you are actually tipping us off to stay away from you and your inchworm.

Here's iluv34dcups profile:
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Headline:
“If you know Cinderella, tell her I've got her shoe! And her bra (34 D) and panties! Talk about leaving in a hurry! LOL.. Please claim soon!”

About My Life and What I'm Looking For:
Ambitious entrepreneur with no ex wives and no kids (that I know of) seeks single, sexy, good looking woman, slender 2 average build, with a beautiful bod (nice tush, great legs, and D's if possible, but I'll settle 4 a large C...LOL!), brains, good sense of humor who likes great food, champagne, nights on the town, romantic dinners followed by dancing and a few drinks, loves to receive and show lots of affection, preferably daily or nightly (maybe both?), especially in private, (we'll be doing a lot of shopping at Victoria's Secret, or at least I will for you!), and foreign travel as I will be doing a lot of it for business the next few years (Europe and India) plus I love Cancun and the Caribbean for vacations..(am I asking too much? LOL)

You get a nice looking (probably a solid 7. 5, maybe an 8 if the lights are low and you've been drinking-LOL..), intelligent, sensitive, honest, and ambitious guy with a full head of brown-blonde hair, blue eyes, a great sense of humor, whose loyal (once you have a 10 why look around?), and not afraid of commitment! (isn't that unusual!)

Definitely a 1 woman kind of guy..(No need to "dabble at a smorgasboard" when you've already got a great main course in your life and no need to go out with the "boys" for a night out either, even every once in a while..Life is too short, so enjoy every minute of it with the one who counts the most...I don't need my own space (what a crock!) and I don't go out with the guys, but if I did, she would go with me or I'd pass and stay home with her! Personally, I'd rather stay home with her and see what kind of trouble we could get into! LOL...)

And ladies, just a thought on your profiles...They want to see a pic of a good head shot, (not that kind of "head"-LMAO), a shot from the waist up, and a full length pic of you wearing a sexy dress or mini, if you can pull that off, and showing cleavage, if you have it. And if you still look good in a bikini, that's a plus, and if not, in a one piece where you look good...Guys R visual!

Favorite Hot Spots:
exotic beaches, upscale restaurants that serve a great rib eye, filet mignon, or shrimp and lobster, and the bedroom, which should be the best local hotspot of all!

Favorite Things:
Classic rock and disco...bring back the 70's! Favorite movies are comedies. Love filet mignon, ribeye, shrimp, lobster, and champagne with strawberries with cheesecake for dessert. Fireplaces and hot tubs with romantic music and good bottle of wine

Douchebag Of The Week #10: Dildo Man

In the on-line dating world, you do sometimes run across people who are married. Sometimes, they lie about being married, other times they are blatantly honest that they are married and looking to have casual sex or searching for a mistress.

This asshole is not only looking for a mistress to peg him with a dildo, he talks about how damn good of a great husband and father he is.

As if someone who is on a free Internet dating site looking for a mistress who will wear a strap-on so he can get fucked in the ass is a great husband. Especially when he talks about how drunk he likes to get on the weekends with his buddies and how bored and meaningless his life is during the week. He sounds like a fucking deadbeat husband and terrible father to me. I hope his wife Lorena Bobbits his cock.
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I am thick, a cheat, and kinky.

My Self-Summary:
I'm fat. There, that's out of the way. Other than that I'm a smart guy with a decent education, working on my MBA…

I'm married but looking around. I am NOT looking for casual sex. I need a mistress. If you're OK with that please read more about me.

… I'm into computers, drinking, dancing when drunk enough, cigars, wine, learning, laughing, and people watching. I love cats, cooking, and debate… Currently I spend my days as a computer programmer, my nights as a student, and my weekends as a husband and father. I'm doing pretty damn good at all of those things.

I'm very goal oriented, and I have a long list of short and long term milestones I'm working on…

In my spare time I am on a quest to find good liquor and great cigars…

I'm sorry I don't have anything deep and meaningful to say here, but the fact is I'm not doing anything deep and meaningful with my life right now.

I’m really good at:
I'm great with computers, there's no doubt about that... I'm fucking awesome at drinking, I do it a lot. I'm pretty good at smoking cigars too.

I'm strangely good at exceeding expectations, but I think that comes from keeping people's expectations low to begin with.

The six things I could never do without:
My kids (love them).
Good conversation (need it).
Air conditioning (fat and sweaty).
Sex (need it).
Booze (need it).
Cigars (want them).

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
I am a male of the species, so all other thoughts are broken up frequently by thoughts of sex, oral sex, anal sex, and other sexy things.

On a typical Friday night I am:
I stay in, I go out, I party with a few friends, I party with the whole gang. The key item to take away from my Friday night is that I am not sitting around being bored. That's what weekdays are for.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here:
I like a big dildo up my ass sometimes. No, seriously. I'm into kinky sex and I'm not afraid to let it be known.

You should message me if:
If you're down with getting freaky. If you'd like to peg me with a strap-on. And most importantly, if you're OK with being the "other woman".

Mullet of the Week #1: The Mudflap vs. Product

The Mullet, one of the infamous hairstyles of the 80's known for being "business on top, party at the back". This haircut is also known as: The Tennessee Top Hat, Camaro Cap, Kentucky waterfall, The Mudflap, and The Canadian Passport.

Whatever name it goes by, fellas, cut that shit off.

How this haircut survived the 80's, I have no idea. It's like a cockroach. It just won't die.

This guy could be a sweetheart, but I will never know because I just can't get past that mullet. It's gelled, by Jove. Product. He went metrosexual on the mullet.

Mullets and hair gel should never go together, just like a mullets should not be coupled with porn 'stashes. A nasty product ridden mullet on top of a porno mustache is enough to make me reach for my Purell and my mace.

Poor guy. I just want to hold him down and shave his head. Along with his face.