Douchebag Of The Week #7: The Moocher

The one thing this fuckstick has going for him is that he appears to be honest with what kind of woman he is looking for: a red-headed, spineless, money-making mouse.

This guy is a free-loading parasite. He is looking for a rich woman who will take care of him while he drinks, watches mudfights, and goes to titty bars. What woman would hate herself enough to actively pursue the kind of man I see getting pummeled by Judge Judy and Judge Alex for being a deadbeat dad? This guy has nothing to offer the female race but a penis and scrotum cheese, and really girls, we can find dicks anywhere. They even sell cocks in stores now.

I am curious as to whether he doesn’t like to work because his money is taken by the state in order to pay child-support for his 3 kids or if he’s just lazy. I’m guessing both. I wonder if he pays for his on-line dating service subscription with money one of his girlfriends gave him.

Here’s The Moocher’s Profile:
____________________________________________________________________________________

38-year-old man
seeking women 18-70

Relationships: Never Married
Have kids: Yes, and they live away from home (More than 3)
Want kids: Definitely

Religion: Jewish
Smoke: Daily
Drink: Regularly

About my life and what I'm looking for:
Hey I am looking for my lifelong-companion, It's hard for me to describe myself, but I look like a black Mel brooks, I don't like to work, I hope you can support me. I'm laid back, enjoy smoking, NASCAR, wrestling, mudfights, guns, gentlemen's clubs

About me:
Exercise habits: Never
Income: Less Than $25,000
Languages: English, Hebrew
Politics: Ultra Conservative

About my date:
Hair: Auburn / Red
Eyes: Grey
Height: 3'0" (91cms) to 8'0" (244cms)
Body type: Big and beautiful, Full-figured

Languages: English, Hebrew
Ethnicity: No Answer

Job: No Answer
Income: $150,001+

Smoke: Daily
Drink: Regularly

Relationships: Currently Separated

Douchebag Of The Week #6: The Married Guy

Yes, some of the people on these on-line dating websites are married and looking to cheat on their spouses. It happens in real life, unfortunately, and it happens in the on-line realm as well. Some of these married people looking for sexual encounters or girl/boy friends lie and say they're single. Others will tell you their marital status after they lure you in.

I have met some people while on-line dating who have told me they run into married men on occasion. Many times these cheaters do not post pictures on their profiles, just in case someone who knows them runs across it and tells their spouse. I also met one guy who told me about a date he went on where the husband of his date caught her out on a date with him, in the middle of said date. The husband flipped out – rightfully so. This guy had no idea his date was married.

Some people are just assholes and cheat. Look out for these self-serving fuck-sticks as you on-line date, just as you would as you met folks in the bars, nightclubs, and sporting events of real world. Beware of the pictureless profile in particular, although not all cheaters are scared of posting pictures.

An acquaintance of mine recently signed up for an on-line dating site called OKCupid and started communicating with a guy she was interested in, who by all intents and appearances - looks like a single guy in his profile. Check out the Instant Message conversation she had with this cum-wad:

Him: so, when do you want me to come over?

Her: haha well we can meet somewhere first

Him: sounds good to me

Her: cool

Him: you are very pretty tho

Her: thanks thats sweet

Him: @}--->----- for you

Her: haha thanks

Him: youre welcome

Her: :)

Him: ;P

Her: so when do you want to meet up

Him: i dont know. sometime.

Her: ok

Him: i will tell you this. i am married. you can hate me if you want.

Her: ok yeah why are you on here if you are married

Him: long story, but i am looking for a casual encounter. i have my reasons and like i said, long story

Her: ok yeah well i am not interested

Him: thats fine

Him: i respect that

Her: ok

Her: bye

Him: have a great day

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 10

Everyone has a bad hair day, but make sure your bad hair day does not follow you onto to your on-line dating profile. Put your best foot forward instead of your mullet or Donald Trump comb-over.

Mullets and Trump comb-overs send bad messages to potential dates in the on-line dating world. At the very least they tell the ladies that you are living in the past, man. If you are so insecure about loosing your hair - face reality and buy some plugs, or shave your head. A comb-over is not only ugly, but it tells us exactly how vulnerable your self-esteem is. You will be an easy target for strippers.

A mullet reveals a man so far removed from mullet-reality that he has no
idea that haircut is so detestable that mullet wigs are sold as
Halloween costumes. No one looks hot in a mullet - not even chics.

All of us have had a terrible hair-cut at some point in our lives, but don't let yours haunt your on-line dating profile.

Celebrity Look-A-Like #6: Long Duk Dong

I was a huge fan of Long Duk Dong when I saw him the classic 80's film "16 Candles". Watching the Chinese foreign exchange student bumble through English, get drunk, hit on American girls, and crash grandpa's automobile were some of the best moments of the film.

Well ladies, today is our lucky day, because the Donger is still in America and looking for love on-line.

Honestly, if this profile is a joke - it's hilarious. However, I am scared it isn't and that's a real tragedy. Either some poor foreign kid thinks that impersonating Long Duk Dong is actually going to get him laid, or he is severely misguided by American popular culture and possibly mentally challenged.

Check out the Donger's profile:
_____________________________________________________
ladies call me the donger

seeking women 25-39

Smoke: No Way
Drink: Social Drinker

About my life and what I'm looking for:
as the ancient chinese saying goes: "it is good for girl to meet boy in park, but much better for boy to park meat in girl." i believe this philosophy very much. so no more yanky my wanky, the donger need food. :) my sack is heavy, it has been long time since i make wah wah wee wah. you help me out?

For Fun:
i like to watch movies, make dinners, watch cultural events.

My job:
i am programmer for ______ company here. money is good but i need some wery wery special. sex isn't necessary but would be nice. not by force, only if you let me and we agree to marry and start family.

Favorite hot spots:
many places are fun for me. i prefer restaurants like misty's or macaroni grill.

Favorite things:
anything that make me and you feeling hot hot hot.

Last read:
101 ways to pick up women by way hung lo

Languages:
Chinese
English

About my date:
Height: 4'11" (150cms) to 6'2" (188cms)

On-Line Dating Experiment #1: The Main Profile Picture

Again and again I have stressed the importance of having a good main profile picture on your on-line dating profile.

The main profile picture is the first thing potential suitors see, and in the on-line dating sphere, first impressions are the only opportunity you really have to snare someone’s interest. Posting a good photo of yourself will make or break your on-line dating success.

Some people just don’t seem to get this and post bad pictures of themselves, and then often times, complain in their profiles about the lack of emails or "winks” they get. To me, it seems starkly obvious that a good profile is going to be a cash cow, and that if your profile isn’t getting a lot of attention – chances are your main profile picture sucks ass.

Bad pictures consist of, but are not limited to; photos in which the person has a sourpuss look on their face or looks mentally retarded. If there is a picture of a guy and a girl, together, and the girl has her face cut out of the photo: this is a bad picture to post. Bad pictures also constitute a photo of you with your fat-ass hanging out all over the place in a hot tub with pea-green water. Being overweight doesn’t make you unattractive, but your unflattering picture does. Pictures where you are trying too hard; like you are topless, or the photo is of you and your sweet ride, or pictures where you have PhotoShopped a mermaid tail on yourself, are also bad. Pictures from your "modeling" portfolio also fall into the "trying too hard" catagory. I personally dislike photos that people take of themselves in the bathroom as well. I don’t want to look at a photo of you with your unflushed toilet or skanky public urinal in the background. Please do not post a picture of yourself in your wedding gown from a previous marriage. Even posting a photo you took of yourself in front of a mirror with your new boob job is better than that (this is not a good option either, but it is the lesser of the two evils).

Simple, close-up photos are the best way to attract attention from the opposite sex. However, don’t just take my word for it: let me break it down like a grade school science fair project.

Hypothesis:
My hypothesis is that normal and good main profile pictures will generate almost triple the amount of interest than an awful beast of a photo.

Background and Research:
To find out exactly how much a good or bad profile picture factors into how much interest your profile generates, I conducted an experiment with my own on-line dating profile.

The experiment will consist of taking 3 different pictures and using them as my main profile picture. Each photo will remain up as the main picture for a week, and I will check in periodically to count the number of views, winks, and emails my profile receives with each picture as its masthead.

Materials and Procedures:
The picture for Week 1 will be a full-length photo of me looking cute in a little black dress. The photo for Week 2 will be a close-up of my face, again looking quite cute and bright-eyed. The picture for Week 3 is a hideous monstrosity that I should have destroyed after my friend took it (see photo above). It’s an absolutely terrible photo of me – spliced to the mainbrace drunk – with a tampon shoved up my nostril - and I am trying to touch the tampon with my tongue.

The Results:

Week 1: The Full-Length Photo
Duration of Photo Exposure: 7 days (starting on Wednesday and ending on a Tuesday).
186 views
6 emails
13 winks

Week 2: The Close-Up
Duration of Photo Exposure: 7 days (Tuesday – Tuesday)
239 views
6 emails
19 winks

Week 3: The Fugly Tampon in Nostril Photo
Duration of Photo Exposure: 8 days (Tuesday – Wednesday)
46 views
2 emails
2 winks

Discussion of the Results:
The picture from Week 2 generated over 5 times the views as the picture from Week 3, and Week 3 even got an extra day. I repeat: over 5 times the amount of interest. That is how much a shitty-ass main profile picture will damage your chances of on-line dating success.

The second picture I posted, the close-up, had the biggest success rate. The full-length picture from Week 1 came in second place – 53 views behind the photo from Week 2.

While I figured the picture of me looking o so glamerous with a tampon in my nose wouldn't attract a lot of winks and emails, I am surprised that more guys didn't click on the photo to see what the hell was going on. Shallowness outweighs curiosity.

Interestingly enough, I would have thought the full-length photo would have attracted more interest, you know - ‘cause no guy wants to be dating a fatty. However, contrary to what I thought before this experiment, guys are actually more likely to check out a profile with a close-up shot of a face.

The moral to this story is: profiles with bad main profile pictures will be passed over. It doesn’t matter how witty and charming you are in your profile: it won’t even be read until you’ve put some pretty bait on the hook. Post a good picture of yourself, preferably a close-up, in order to generate more interest and views to your profile.

Good hunting.

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 9

Dating can be rough. Aside from your average bad dates, I have had a few dates where I feel like the guy is actually trying to suck the life force out of me like he is some kind of soul vampire.

However, no matter how bad your life gets as a swinging single, don't let it drain you of hope and make you sound like this guy. On-line dating profiles in which someone sounds jaded, bitter, or like a sniveling loser repel potential dates. Who would ever want to go on a date with someone who sounds so defeatist and complains like a little bitch?

Hey dude - guess what? Sometimes we all go through shit dating patches. Quit your whining, put your balls back on, and go hit on some snatch.
________________________________________________________
About Me And What I Am Looking For:

You know...being a "dude" on match[.com] is tough. Women have it easy. You get 20 e-mails and take your pick. We send out 20 e-mails and hope to get a response. It's really dis-heartening. I know it works this way because I've been out with enough people from match to make this assumption. I would love to jibber about myself but considering I find it useless. All I can say is I'd love to get to know just about anybody if given the chance. I'm here to meet people; not necessarily looking for love but hope to find it one day. My name is ______. Feel free to write me anytime.

Douchebag Of The Week #5: Mid-Life Crises Mo

Old-Men Douchebags are easy to spot in the wilds of on-line dating. First of all, their age is out there for everyone to see, even if they misrepresent themselves by using old pictures from when they were younger. Secondly, 40-year-old douchebags always say shit like “seeking women 18 – 35”. These Viagra poppers never pursue women their own age.

Mid-life Crises guys also reveal themselves as being such when they incessantly proclaim they can still do the same activities they did 20 years ago. Fellas – if you feel the need to point this out: you’re too old to be talking to 20-year-olds.

Skeezy old geezers brag about all their toys in an attempt to bait their younger prey with flashy, shiny objects. This hunting technique has proved most successful for the Redenbachers. For their success rate I would like to thank my slutty, gold-digging counterparts, whose lack of dignity unwittingly subject the rest of us females to Old-Man Douchebag’s sexual advances.

Behavior is learned through positive and negative reinforcement, and these old bastards must be getting laid because of it or they wouldn’t keep it up. Fuck you for that gold-diggers.

Mid-Life Crises Mo is a commitment-phoebe. He’ll never admit it though. This geezer openly states that although he is 40, his longest relationship is 6 months.

This Manther stands out among the vast array of assholes out there because of his extravagant pompousness. His best moment is not when he insults fatties, but when he insults women nearer his age by saying they age like goats. Mr. Mid-Life Crises Shmo - if you are the one using old pictures on your profile, doesn’t that imply that you are the one who ages like a goat?

One more thing Redenbacher, if you are 40, you are too old to put a DJ booth in your house. Your house is not the club, and DJ’s do more than spin “The 80’s Greatest Rock Anthems”.

Here is the skuz-bucket email this wanker sent me that alerted me to his existence.

Redenbacher: “Dang...if I beer kiss you on our first date, just know that I couldn't help it ok?
Just be sure to introduce yourself right after...”

Me: “First of all, a 40-year-old would not get a first date with me. Second of all, if you tried to beer kiss me I would kick you in the fucking nuts. Fuck off, Geezah.”

Mid-Life Crises Mo’s Profile:
_______________________________________________________
"God I can't wait to get my new motorcycle!"

* 40-year-old man
* seeking women 18-35

About my life and what I'm looking for:
Back on Match after at least a 6 month layoff; I don't get out much anymore but when I do it seems like I make up for lost time. I just hate "having all this stuff" and nobody to share anything with. You 20-something year olds will know what I'm talking about when all your friends are married. I'm pretty much at the point where I'll sell my business if it mean enjoying someone else's company. I'm secure enough to be able to be able to make big choices to fulfill even bigger dreams.

I like to keep a lot of plates spinning but I learned years ago that the act accomplishes nothing. Being quasi-talented is only good when you can stay focused on one plate. Now I save the rest of the plates for my spaghetti to rest on top of.

For those of you who eat Xanax for breakfast or posess any other personality that contains the attention span of a 3 year old, allow me to express myself in a way to which you are more accustomed:

I wish I had more time to read.
I hate traffic.
I like animals.
Yo hablo espanol.

Odd factoids about me:

1. I own 5 televisions but never watch them.
2. 50% of my girlfriends end up marrying the next guy they go out with. (Congrats to the latest, Christina)
3. I created the nation's first support group for people who don't receive their merchandise rebates they send away for in the mail.
4. I made up #3

Because you'll ask, the longest relationship I've ever had is 6 months. Women's jaws drop when I say that but consider this: I know myself well enough to know whether or not something is going to work or not. You will know what I'm talking about when you get older.

The next person who tells me my pictures are like ten years old is going to get slapped. Just because you age like a mountain goat doesn't meant the rest of the world doesn't know how to take immaculate care of themselves. Some people's kids I swear...

For Fun:
The gym, rollerblading in the park are always favorites. I compete against myself & can still emulate activities I did 20 years ago. I'm happy now that I'm a homeowner I have a separate building on my property that I built a gym in.

My Job:
I'm a homebody at this stage of life. Every time I see an immensely hot woman with some fat slob with chewing tobacco stains running down their shirt, a little voice inside me says "why do you even bother going out?!" I guess I'm starting to listen!
my ethnicity:

Favorite Things:
I love rain, music; I'm building a DJ booth in my bar for entertaining - wohoo! A recording studio would be cool too.