Celebrity Look-A-Like #6: Long Duk Dong

I was a huge fan of Long Duk Dong when I saw him the classic 80's film "16 Candles". Watching the Chinese foreign exchange student bumble through English, get drunk, hit on American girls, and crash grandpa's automobile were some of the best moments of the film.

Well ladies, today is our lucky day, because the Donger is still in America and looking for love on-line.

Honestly, if this profile is a joke - it's hilarious. However, I am scared it isn't and that's a real tragedy. Either some poor foreign kid thinks that impersonating Long Duk Dong is actually going to get him laid, or he is severely misguided by American popular culture and possibly mentally challenged.

Check out the Donger's profile:
_____________________________________________________
ladies call me the donger

seeking women 25-39

Smoke: No Way
Drink: Social Drinker

About my life and what I'm looking for:
as the ancient chinese saying goes: "it is good for girl to meet boy in park, but much better for boy to park meat in girl." i believe this philosophy very much. so no more yanky my wanky, the donger need food. :) my sack is heavy, it has been long time since i make wah wah wee wah. you help me out?

For Fun:
i like to watch movies, make dinners, watch cultural events.

My job:
i am programmer for ______ company here. money is good but i need some wery wery special. sex isn't necessary but would be nice. not by force, only if you let me and we agree to marry and start family.

Favorite hot spots:
many places are fun for me. i prefer restaurants like misty's or macaroni grill.

Favorite things:
anything that make me and you feeling hot hot hot.

Last read:
101 ways to pick up women by way hung lo

Languages:
Chinese
English

About my date:
Height: 4'11" (150cms) to 6'2" (188cms)

On-Line Dating Experiment #1: The Main Profile Picture

Again and again I have stressed the importance of having a good main profile picture on your on-line dating profile.

The main profile picture is the first thing potential suitors see, and in the on-line dating sphere, first impressions are the only opportunity you really have to snare someone’s interest. Posting a good photo of yourself will make or break your on-line dating success.

Some people just don’t seem to get this and post bad pictures of themselves, and then often times, complain in their profiles about the lack of emails or "winks” they get. To me, it seems starkly obvious that a good profile is going to be a cash cow, and that if your profile isn’t getting a lot of attention – chances are your main profile picture sucks ass.

Bad pictures consist of, but are not limited to; photos in which the person has a sourpuss look on their face or looks mentally retarded. If there is a picture of a guy and a girl, together, and the girl has her face cut out of the photo: this is a bad picture to post. Bad pictures also constitute a photo of you with your fat-ass hanging out all over the place in a hot tub with pea-green water. Being overweight doesn’t make you unattractive, but your unflattering picture does. Pictures where you are trying too hard; like you are topless, or the photo is of you and your sweet ride, or pictures where you have PhotoShopped a mermaid tail on yourself, are also bad. Pictures from your "modeling" portfolio also fall into the "trying too hard" catagory. I personally dislike photos that people take of themselves in the bathroom as well. I don’t want to look at a photo of you with your unflushed toilet or skanky public urinal in the background. Please do not post a picture of yourself in your wedding gown from a previous marriage. Even posting a photo you took of yourself in front of a mirror with your new boob job is better than that (this is not a good option either, but it is the lesser of the two evils).

Simple, close-up photos are the best way to attract attention from the opposite sex. However, don’t just take my word for it: let me break it down like a grade school science fair project.

Hypothesis:
My hypothesis is that normal and good main profile pictures will generate almost triple the amount of interest than an awful beast of a photo.

Background and Research:
To find out exactly how much a good or bad profile picture factors into how much interest your profile generates, I conducted an experiment with my own on-line dating profile.

The experiment will consist of taking 3 different pictures and using them as my main profile picture. Each photo will remain up as the main picture for a week, and I will check in periodically to count the number of views, winks, and emails my profile receives with each picture as its masthead.

Materials and Procedures:
The picture for Week 1 will be a full-length photo of me looking cute in a little black dress. The photo for Week 2 will be a close-up of my face, again looking quite cute and bright-eyed. The picture for Week 3 is a hideous monstrosity that I should have destroyed after my friend took it (see photo above). It’s an absolutely terrible photo of me – spliced to the mainbrace drunk – with a tampon shoved up my nostril - and I am trying to touch the tampon with my tongue.

The Results:

Week 1: The Full-Length Photo
Duration of Photo Exposure: 7 days (starting on Wednesday and ending on a Tuesday).
186 views
6 emails
13 winks

Week 2: The Close-Up
Duration of Photo Exposure: 7 days (Tuesday – Tuesday)
239 views
6 emails
19 winks

Week 3: The Fugly Tampon in Nostril Photo
Duration of Photo Exposure: 8 days (Tuesday – Wednesday)
46 views
2 emails
2 winks

Discussion of the Results:
The picture from Week 2 generated over 5 times the views as the picture from Week 3, and Week 3 even got an extra day. I repeat: over 5 times the amount of interest. That is how much a shitty-ass main profile picture will damage your chances of on-line dating success.

The second picture I posted, the close-up, had the biggest success rate. The full-length picture from Week 1 came in second place – 53 views behind the photo from Week 2.

While I figured the picture of me looking o so glamerous with a tampon in my nose wouldn't attract a lot of winks and emails, I am surprised that more guys didn't click on the photo to see what the hell was going on. Shallowness outweighs curiosity.

Interestingly enough, I would have thought the full-length photo would have attracted more interest, you know - ‘cause no guy wants to be dating a fatty. However, contrary to what I thought before this experiment, guys are actually more likely to check out a profile with a close-up shot of a face.

The moral to this story is: profiles with bad main profile pictures will be passed over. It doesn’t matter how witty and charming you are in your profile: it won’t even be read until you’ve put some pretty bait on the hook. Post a good picture of yourself, preferably a close-up, in order to generate more interest and views to your profile.

Good hunting.

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 9

Dating can be rough. Aside from your average bad dates, I have had a few dates where I feel like the guy is actually trying to suck the life force out of me like he is some kind of soul vampire.

However, no matter how bad your life gets as a swinging single, don't let it drain you of hope and make you sound like this guy. On-line dating profiles in which someone sounds jaded, bitter, or like a sniveling loser repel potential dates. Who would ever want to go on a date with someone who sounds so defeatist and complains like a little bitch?

Hey dude - guess what? Sometimes we all go through shit dating patches. Quit your whining, put your balls back on, and go hit on some snatch.
________________________________________________________
About Me And What I Am Looking For:

You know...being a "dude" on match[.com] is tough. Women have it easy. You get 20 e-mails and take your pick. We send out 20 e-mails and hope to get a response. It's really dis-heartening. I know it works this way because I've been out with enough people from match to make this assumption. I would love to jibber about myself but considering I find it useless. All I can say is I'd love to get to know just about anybody if given the chance. I'm here to meet people; not necessarily looking for love but hope to find it one day. My name is ______. Feel free to write me anytime.

Douchebag Of The Week #5: Mid-Life Crises Mo

Old-Men Douchebags are easy to spot in the wilds of on-line dating. First of all, their age is out there for everyone to see, even if they misrepresent themselves by using old pictures from when they were younger. Secondly, 40-year-old douchebags always say shit like “seeking women 18 – 35”. These Viagra poppers never pursue women their own age.

Mid-life Crises guys also reveal themselves as being such when they incessantly proclaim they can still do the same activities they did 20 years ago. Fellas – if you feel the need to point this out: you’re too old to be talking to 20-year-olds.

Skeezy old geezers brag about all their toys in an attempt to bait their younger prey with flashy, shiny objects. This hunting technique has proved most successful for the Redenbachers. For their success rate I would like to thank my slutty, gold-digging counterparts, whose lack of dignity unwittingly subject the rest of us females to Old-Man Douchebag’s sexual advances.

Behavior is learned through positive and negative reinforcement, and these old bastards must be getting laid because of it or they wouldn’t keep it up. Fuck you for that gold-diggers.

Mid-Life Crises Mo is a commitment-phoebe. He’ll never admit it though. This geezer openly states that although he is 40, his longest relationship is 6 months.

This Manther stands out among the vast array of assholes out there because of his extravagant pompousness. His best moment is not when he insults fatties, but when he insults women nearer his age by saying they age like goats. Mr. Mid-Life Crises Shmo - if you are the one using old pictures on your profile, doesn’t that imply that you are the one who ages like a goat?

One more thing Redenbacher, if you are 40, you are too old to put a DJ booth in your house. Your house is not the club, and DJ’s do more than spin “The 80’s Greatest Rock Anthems”.

Here is the skuz-bucket email this wanker sent me that alerted me to his existence.

Redenbacher: “Dang...if I beer kiss you on our first date, just know that I couldn't help it ok?
Just be sure to introduce yourself right after...”

Me: “First of all, a 40-year-old would not get a first date with me. Second of all, if you tried to beer kiss me I would kick you in the fucking nuts. Fuck off, Geezah.”

Mid-Life Crises Mo’s Profile:
_______________________________________________________
"God I can't wait to get my new motorcycle!"

* 40-year-old man
* seeking women 18-35

About my life and what I'm looking for:
Back on Match after at least a 6 month layoff; I don't get out much anymore but when I do it seems like I make up for lost time. I just hate "having all this stuff" and nobody to share anything with. You 20-something year olds will know what I'm talking about when all your friends are married. I'm pretty much at the point where I'll sell my business if it mean enjoying someone else's company. I'm secure enough to be able to be able to make big choices to fulfill even bigger dreams.

I like to keep a lot of plates spinning but I learned years ago that the act accomplishes nothing. Being quasi-talented is only good when you can stay focused on one plate. Now I save the rest of the plates for my spaghetti to rest on top of.

For those of you who eat Xanax for breakfast or posess any other personality that contains the attention span of a 3 year old, allow me to express myself in a way to which you are more accustomed:

I wish I had more time to read.
I hate traffic.
I like animals.
Yo hablo espanol.

Odd factoids about me:

1. I own 5 televisions but never watch them.
2. 50% of my girlfriends end up marrying the next guy they go out with. (Congrats to the latest, Christina)
3. I created the nation's first support group for people who don't receive their merchandise rebates they send away for in the mail.
4. I made up #3

Because you'll ask, the longest relationship I've ever had is 6 months. Women's jaws drop when I say that but consider this: I know myself well enough to know whether or not something is going to work or not. You will know what I'm talking about when you get older.

The next person who tells me my pictures are like ten years old is going to get slapped. Just because you age like a mountain goat doesn't meant the rest of the world doesn't know how to take immaculate care of themselves. Some people's kids I swear...

For Fun:
The gym, rollerblading in the park are always favorites. I compete against myself & can still emulate activities I did 20 years ago. I'm happy now that I'm a homeowner I have a separate building on my property that I built a gym in.

My Job:
I'm a homebody at this stage of life. Every time I see an immensely hot woman with some fat slob with chewing tobacco stains running down their shirt, a little voice inside me says "why do you even bother going out?!" I guess I'm starting to listen!
my ethnicity:

Favorite Things:
I love rain, music; I'm building a DJ booth in my bar for entertaining - wohoo! A recording studio would be cool too.

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 8

Refrain from launching into a scary 1950’s ideal about marriage and your ideal man in the opening statements of your on-line dating profile.

It may be difficult, especially if you just got out of a relationship where you have been really hurt, but try to sound warm and inviting. You don’t want to scare potential dates away, and that’s what profiles describing your dream guy down to every last detail do. Boys do not gravitate towards rancorous shrews.

I’ve actually been doing a bit of experimenting in this aspect with my own on-line dating profile.

I have my standard “Hi – I’m single and cute and fun” introduction, but a few weeks ago I added a “bitter” paragraph. The bitter paragraph is a rant about what type of guys shouldn’t even bother reading my profile.

Since adding this paragraph, I have not received as many emails and winks as I did previously. The men who do contact me ask about the paragraph right away, and one of these suitors commented that the statement reeked of a bad past relationship.

As resentment tends to scare people off, please leave it out of your online dating profile. Even if you did manage to meet someone, despite sounding like a insistent hell-cat on your profile, you don’t want to embark on a new dating relationship dragging the ghosts of relationships past along with you.

Here’s a frightening little succubus I came across a few weeks ago. Could you imagine trying to please this woman? Oy Vey.

_____________________________________________________________________

Be gentle, it's my first time.

I'm at the point in my life where I'm ready to settle down. But I'm also very selective in what type of guy I am looking for. I would definitely love to find Mr. Right, but I'm still having fun and enjoying my life until I find him! :) When I am finally married, my husband will be the breadwinner and go to work, and I will stay at home and make sure he comes home to a clean house with dinner on the table!

As for my perfect match, of course I want a prince on a white horse... but when I'm not looking on the world through the pink glasses, I just want a good man. He is handsome, has good manners, has a decent job, has never been married, does not have children but wants them soon, carries in the bags from the supermarket, likes my home-cooked dinners, thinks I'm adorable, remembers important dates, makes me laugh. He is also strong, focused, knows the importance of family, doesn't gossip, keeps his promises, makes his own fortune, and strives to be a role model.

My mother is Japanese, and my father is German.
my religion:

my religion:
I go to shul on some Shabbats, and I want to raise my children Jewishly.

Freak of the Week #1: Dude Looks Like A Lady

Please only post a picture of yourself as your primary photo. Imagine my confusion when I opened my “Daily 5”, which is a set of 5 guys that Match.com emails subscribers on a daily basis, and I see a photo of a lady. An old lady. Had I had just been paired with an over 50 heterosexual tranny by my on-line dating service?

Bastards.

After staring at my computer screen for a good minute, befuddled as fuck, I began to think that maybe this guy wasn’t a tranny. Maybe some guy uploaded a picture of his mom instead of himself, or maybe he has a granny fetish.

I had to check out this profile and find out what was going on with this guy.

It took me going through this guy’s profile to decipher that the 50+ woman in his main profile picture is not him dressed in drag. So, is it his mom? I haven’t the foggiest. After reading his rant about women and mothers though – he very well could suffer from Norman Bates syndrome.

Posting a good and actual photo of yourself as a main profile picture is detrimental to cyber-dating success. Some folks just don’t seem to have common sense enough to get that. I wonder how many emails this dude and his mom have received from women? My guess is zilch.

Check out what Norman had to say:
_________________________________________________________________

* 32-year-old man
* seeking women 30-50

About My Life And What I'm Looking For:

I am ambitious, purposeful man with interesting life. I just need my second half, nothing else. I could tell to you a lot of good about myself. But it would be silly in all .

I believe in the family unit. The mother is the center of it all: being the main heart which beats for the man and the children. We all use her love to replenish our own hearts with joy and warmth, and we honor her for this. I also believe the man to be the leader of the family. When trouble arises from the outside world, his body will be a shield, and cover his wife and children as they huddle underneath him. He should be like a rock these outside negative forces break themselves against when trying to harm his family and his love. His best friend: his wife. I have been around the world, on my own… and when I say I will be somewhere, I will be, so you better be waiting with open arms and a warm smile if you ask me to come! I am not interested in games, so please don’t contact me if you are not serious about finding your soul mate. I am looking for that special someone who has eluded me so far in my life: my soul mate, my true love, my one and only, forever... If you really want to know more about me, what I like, what drives me and what fuels the passion in my heart to write, to be creative, to live, everyday, and love life, discover the name of the band and the song behind these lyrics: “Was it in the cold of that knife you screwed in the heart of the enduring? 'Cause when you opened that door, you knew, well now, there'd be no returning, Or room to mourn what we have lost, to wait while the willing.

Things People Lie About on Their On-Line Dating Profile: #1 - Smoking

As I investigate the on-line dating sub-culture, I have noticed a few common things people lie about. Because yes, to much shock and horror, people on the internet lie. In reality, on-line dating profiles contain the same lies that you may hear at a bar on a Friday night, although it’s much easier to sniff out a rat when they’re sitting right across from you, looking you in the eye, their little whiskers twitching away. It’s not shocking that someone in search of booty or a relationship would be dishonest, no matter the environment, but what is interesting is the commonality and just how many things are lied about.

The lie that I am addressing today is one that permeates male online dating profiles, and it concerns smoking. On Match.com under the “do you smoke” question, your options are:

No Answer
No Way
Occasionally
Daily
Cigar aficionado
Trying to Quit

The non-smokers always check “No Way”, because you know how non-smokers are. They let their smoking preference be known and they aren’t afraid to make city and statewide laws about where you can smoke. Bitches.

On the other hand, many smokers lie about the amount they smoke. It’s to the point where I think it is fair to say that if anyone checks anything other than the “No Way” box – they smoke, and they smoke more than they let on. However, I must point out that the dude who's picture I've posted here checked the "No Way" box on the smoking question but has a picture of himself with a cigarette. So, does he smoke when he drinks or is his picture just a joke?

An ex-boyfriend of mine is on my dating network, and he chain smokes after waking up in the morning, takes frequent smoke breaks at work, smokes in the car continuously, and he has to wear a nicotine patch on long plane rides. The box he checked in the smoking column is “Occasionally”. The audacity: I’m the real “Occasional” smoker. After I saw his profile, I sent him an email asking why he’s lying about the smoking, and he said, “because I’m trying to cut down”. If that is true, he needs to check “Trying to Quit”. This informs potential dates that you’re a hard-core smoker that is addicted, but you toy with the idea of quitting occasionally.

Another liar I met on this dating website smokes as much as my ex, and he also checked the “Occasionally” box. He constantly has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and on those rare occasions when the cigarette is not in his mouth, he wheezes. If you are smoking a pack a day – you are a daily smoker. The “Occasional” description of the amount he smokes is just plain dishonest, although, in his defense, he isn’t very forthright in general.

I met another guy who checked the “Cigar Aficionado” box, and after months of dating, I never saw him smoke a cigar. He likes the occasional clove, and tends to smoke when he drinks and during study breaks. Perhaps I am mistaken, but doesn’t this make you an “Occasional” smoker?

So, thank you liars, for filling my on-line dating experience with little surprises. In the meantime, stop lying on your on-line dating profile. All lies are quickly discovered and all rats are eventually sniffed out. I should stock up on Arsenic.

I would also like for online dating networks to add a "pot smoker" option to profiles, as I have met more than one pothead through online dating websites. Not that these guys would be honest about their drug use on a profile anyway, but it would be amusing.