Douchebag of The Week #9: BJ Lovin' Redenbacher

49-year-old men should know better than to try and act cute on their on-line dating profiles, but some don’t. At 49 I really hope you aren’t stoned and drunk. That’s fine in your 20’s and maybe your early 30s, but when your pushing 50 – it’s time to put the pipe down. Unless you need it for glaucoma.

Also, don’t email me and say how even though you are above my age cut-off, your age shouldn’t matter to me because you act like you're 14. I don’t want a 49-year-old dude who acts 14: that pretty much means you are a retarded 50-year-old, and that’s just sad.

Then you brag about how good you are at “something” which we know to mean sex. If you are bragging about it – it means you suck at it.

Also, dogging out your ex-wife on an on-line dating profile makes you look like an asshole with lots of drama in your life.

One last thing – for the love of the gods – you are 50, please don’t use smiley faces everywhere and talk about blow jobs. You're an immature old perv, and I don't want none of that.

Here’s Retarded Redenbacher's Profile:
__________________________________________________________________________________
I am stoned, drunk, and horny. r u??? ;o).

My Self-Summary:
OMG!!!!!! Do you really want to know??? I've made psychiatrists look for a new line of work after a few sessions with me.

What I’m doing with my life:
As little as possible. I'm still waiting for the mother ship to come back to earth to rescue me and take me back home, because there is obviously no intelligent life on this planet.
"BEAM ME UP SCOTTY"!!!!!!!
(or whatever the hell your name is in front of the "beam me up controller" thingy)

I’m really good at:
I think the powers that be will delete it from my profile if I list it here, so to save time and bandwidth, I'll have to tell you later ;o)
(use your imagination) ;o)

The first things people usually notice about me:
I have no freakin idea...... guess you'd have to ask those people. How the hell would I know what people notice about me??? Ask me if I care........ go ahead.......... ask me. :o)
My favorite books, movies, music, and food:

Books:
Harold and the Purple Crayon
(best book ever written. at least until mine is published)
Curious George
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
(or is it Willie Wonka??? I can't remember it's been so long ago)
Where the Wild Things Are

Food:
If it's on my plate and it's not moving, I'll probably eat it, however seafood, italian, and mexican are my favs.

The six things I could never do without
My kids
My Harley
Vegas vacations
Watching my son play baseball
Fishing
a good blowjob ;o)
(hey, I thought honesty was the basis of any lasting relationship, right??? so I'm just being honest here. so sue me. you won't get much.) :o)

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
Reincarnation. When I get reincarnated, I'm going to come back as my ex wife so I can leave me the &*@% alone!!!!! ;o)

On a typical Friday night I am:
Bothering innocent women on the internet. Just haven't found too many innocent women yet. Are there any out there??? Just nod if you can hear me :o)

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here:
I will only whisper it in your ear. Come a little closer. I won't bite. Yes, I will. No, I won't. Well, maybe just a little nibble.
You should message me if
You're really freaking desperate ;o)
(or just want to go have some fun)
(or if you're crazier than I am)
(or all of the above)

Douchebag of the Week #8: Low Hanging Fruit Dude

What is wrong with a person who wants to date someone who is not smart and not good-looking? My guess is he is some kind of control freak. If the lady is too pretty or smart, she might leave him, but most likely she will never call his ass again after the first date. It also sounds like her main competition for this guy’s attention is with various phone sex operators. I sincerely hope that there are no women out their with such shitty self-esteem that they would actually consider contacting this wankshaft.

What kind of woman would respond to dating profile like this? “Hey! I am ugly and stoopid! This is the guy for me!”

Check out this freak’s profile:
____________________________________________________________________________________
52-year-old man

Body type: About average
Height: 5'5" (165cms)
Religion: Other
Smoke: No Way
Drink: Never

About my life and what I'm looking for:
I am chinese and I like to meet ladies that are asian. I like ladies that are nice, caring, thoughtful, and willing to try new things. I like to find someone that is not too smart, just average. I like to meet ladies that are between the age of 33 to 42, average looking, not marry or separate.

For fun:
I like to hear songs of Kenney Roger, Donny Osmond, and etc. I like to eat out at the restaurant, sometimes see movies. In my spare time, I like to talk with ladies on the phone. I also like to collect coins and rolex watches.

Favorite hot spots:
I like to eat all kinds of chinese and american food, the only food I don't like is Indian food, because I went to this restaurant, I didn't eat any of this kind of food. I like to attend any coffee shops. I like to go to reno and Las Vagas.

Favorite things:
My favorite thing to eat is seafoods and all colors are my favorite, except yellow and green. In the rainy day, I like to listen to music, and I like to shop at Mervilyn and Ross department store.

About my date:
Eyes: Black
Height: 5'2" (158cms) to 5'5" (165cms)
Body type: About average, Slender
Ethnicity: Asian, Pacific Islander

What's In A Name: Lesson 1

The screen name you pick for yourself will be one of the first things, if not the first thing, a potential date will see. Just like having a bad profile picture, a bad screen name can have you dateless and home alone choking your smurf.

The screen name you pick for an on-line dating site will be with you for the duration of your existence in the on-line dating world. Your screen name is a window, revealing something about yourself while simultaneously serving as an attention getter. Therefore, a funny screen name could make a potential suitor curious, while a dodgy screen name could have your emails deleted before they are even read.

There’s is nothing worse that checking your on-line profile for email, seeing you have a email from someone with the screen name Born_2_Fart or Dav_poundmuff.

Hello, vomit. Welcome to my mouth. No, don’t leave. Stay a while, and then just go back the way you came.

My buddy Randum was repulsed upon seeing that a man with the screen name “Flower” had contacted her via her on-line dating profile. The irony with Flower is that he has this wussy girly-man screen name, but he looks quite the brute and drives a mustang.

In cyberspace, your screen name reveals a lot about your personality, or a hobby, or a side of you. Select a screen name that says something about you or is a conversation starter; like Scuba_Steve82, knifethrower, or Dave_in_Denver. I also ran across the screen name “notta_douche” a while back, and that made me laugh.

Here are some other crappy screen names I have come across:

Our_Way_2_Fall
Hot_and_need_fun
Manslice1
Thrill_machine
Boobaa67
The1urlookingfor
FISHIN4APRINCESS

What The Fuck Profile #1: The Maritime Murderer

This profile reads like a want ad a serial killer would place in order to find a victim. Why in Satan's hot Hell would you want to take off with someone, alone, on their boat, to South America, when you haven't dated them for at least a couple of months? You body will end up with Natalee Holloway's.

The guy did not even post a picture, so your friends and family could not even tell the police what the guy looked like when the fuzz come by asking who you took off sailing to the Dominican Republic with after your landlord files a missing person report.

This guy may be the head slave trader. Holy shit.

Here's his profile:
____________________________________________________________

Looking for Long Term MATE. Best Frend and LOVER..Let's see the world. Tom , STILL In the D R now 8 / 11 / 09

* 65-year-old man
* seeking women 107-120
* within 4 miles of North Palm Beach, Florida, United States

Body type: No Answer
Height: 7'6" (229cms)
Religion: Spiritual but not religious
Smoke: No Answer
Drink: No Answer

About my life and what I'm looking for:
Do you Think you would like living on A 65 Boat / swimming / travel / adventure !!!! I live and cruse full time aboard a 65' trawler At this TIME 8 / 11 /09 i am in The Dominican Republic, Luperon aboard MV Essential Part getting ready to go south To Putrco Rico St Thomas St john St croix. centeral America and on. Yes the boat is big enough. E mail me if you have any question's There are so many things to cover and try and explain for this life style very easy going.

Looking For My best frend and lover to travel with.
Yes I am a long term cruser since 2003

I like to live in shorts
Work hard play hard
and enjoy life..

I like light jaz swim ,dive ,cook, and see new things and places I make KILLER FUDGE !! cant find any here in the D R maby I should start selling it.. all the other boaters love it, How about U.?

Liveing and crusing on my boat is Not, as much fun alone!!!!!!
I just Renewed my acc for 3 months 4/ 8 / 09 upping anchor on MV /ESSENTIAl PART and moving south slowly destination ??? some place . HOME IS WHERE THE BOAT IS !!
Want to stop in south america to refuel 2 month from now or 1 1/2 years , no watch or calander I will be checking in here as Internet conection permit..
If you have a (REAL INTREST) in this life Style contact ME.. DR at this time 7 / 1/ 09 out of here in three weeks Maby, It is realey nice here and the people are wonderfull .Then to haul the boat and paint bottom so will need to haul in Trinadad at some point ..will spend some time in St Thomas and stay for a wile ( Come on down ....)
Tom

Douchebag Of The Week #7: The Moocher

The one thing this fuckstick has going for him is that he appears to be honest with what kind of woman he is looking for: a red-headed, spineless, money-making mouse.

This guy is a free-loading parasite. He is looking for a rich woman who will take care of him while he drinks, watches mudfights, and goes to titty bars. What woman would hate herself enough to actively pursue the kind of man I see getting pummeled by Judge Judy and Judge Alex for being a deadbeat dad? This guy has nothing to offer the female race but a penis and scrotum cheese, and really girls, we can find dicks anywhere. They even sell cocks in stores now.

I am curious as to whether he doesn’t like to work because his money is taken by the state in order to pay child-support for his 3 kids or if he’s just lazy. I’m guessing both. I wonder if he pays for his on-line dating service subscription with money one of his girlfriends gave him.

Here’s The Moocher’s Profile:
____________________________________________________________________________________

38-year-old man
seeking women 18-70

Relationships: Never Married
Have kids: Yes, and they live away from home (More than 3)
Want kids: Definitely

Religion: Jewish
Smoke: Daily
Drink: Regularly

About my life and what I'm looking for:
Hey I am looking for my lifelong-companion, It's hard for me to describe myself, but I look like a black Mel brooks, I don't like to work, I hope you can support me. I'm laid back, enjoy smoking, NASCAR, wrestling, mudfights, guns, gentlemen's clubs

About me:
Exercise habits: Never
Income: Less Than $25,000
Languages: English, Hebrew
Politics: Ultra Conservative

About my date:
Hair: Auburn / Red
Eyes: Grey
Height: 3'0" (91cms) to 8'0" (244cms)
Body type: Big and beautiful, Full-figured

Languages: English, Hebrew
Ethnicity: No Answer

Job: No Answer
Income: $150,001+

Smoke: Daily
Drink: Regularly

Relationships: Currently Separated

Douchebag Of The Week #6: The Married Guy

Yes, some of the people on these on-line dating websites are married and looking to cheat on their spouses. It happens in real life, unfortunately, and it happens in the on-line realm as well. Some of these married people looking for sexual encounters or girl/boy friends lie and say they're single. Others will tell you their marital status after they lure you in.

I have met some people while on-line dating who have told me they run into married men on occasion. Many times these cheaters do not post pictures on their profiles, just in case someone who knows them runs across it and tells their spouse. I also met one guy who told me about a date he went on where the husband of his date caught her out on a date with him, in the middle of said date. The husband flipped out – rightfully so. This guy had no idea his date was married.

Some people are just assholes and cheat. Look out for these self-serving fuck-sticks as you on-line date, just as you would as you met folks in the bars, nightclubs, and sporting events of real world. Beware of the pictureless profile in particular, although not all cheaters are scared of posting pictures.

An acquaintance of mine recently signed up for an on-line dating site called OKCupid and started communicating with a guy she was interested in, who by all intents and appearances - looks like a single guy in his profile. Check out the Instant Message conversation she had with this cum-wad:

Him: so, when do you want me to come over?

Her: haha well we can meet somewhere first

Him: sounds good to me

Her: cool

Him: you are very pretty tho

Her: thanks thats sweet

Him: @}--->----- for you

Her: haha thanks

Him: youre welcome

Her: :)

Him: ;P

Her: so when do you want to meet up

Him: i dont know. sometime.

Her: ok

Him: i will tell you this. i am married. you can hate me if you want.

Her: ok yeah why are you on here if you are married

Him: long story, but i am looking for a casual encounter. i have my reasons and like i said, long story

Her: ok yeah well i am not interested

Him: thats fine

Him: i respect that

Her: ok

Her: bye

Him: have a great day

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 10

Everyone has a bad hair day, but make sure your bad hair day does not follow you onto to your on-line dating profile. Put your best foot forward instead of your mullet or Donald Trump comb-over.

Mullets and Trump comb-overs send bad messages to potential dates in the on-line dating world. At the very least they tell the ladies that you are living in the past, man. If you are so insecure about loosing your hair - face reality and buy some plugs, or shave your head. A comb-over is not only ugly, but it tells us exactly how vulnerable your self-esteem is. You will be an easy target for strippers.

A mullet reveals a man so far removed from mullet-reality that he has no
idea that haircut is so detestable that mullet wigs are sold as
Halloween costumes. No one looks hot in a mullet - not even chics.

All of us have had a terrible hair-cut at some point in our lives, but don't let yours haunt your on-line dating profile.