On-Line Dating E-Mail Etiquette: Lesson 1

As you are having your first communications with your romantic interest over the internet, bear in mind the first impressions your emails may convey. Sending her some esoteric rant will read like nonsensical twaddle, and make you look like an ass.

One of my readers contacted me with this beauty of a fuck-up that was emailed to her by a potential suitor. Please refrain from sending an email that reads like the following in the early stages of communication.
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"My goal is not to deceive or to pretend in any way. But to further educate you in my knowledge of what I am talking about, to show you rather then tell you sappy stories of infidelities or half truths. I can't complain about anything that has happened, that has been of my causing, but can only move forward and hope that I will only learn and stray away for mistakes in the past. Often times we either find ourselves saying things that we wished we shouldn't, or not saying things and wished that we had. There is plenty of time for passion, but not without a great understanding of ones position on one another and how well they know that individual. A Bond if you will if affection, knowledge,awareness,a greater understanding of where and what you have been through, and an eternal friendship that far surpasses anything that you could ever
imagine, and then only then can you begin to talk about passion or deep discussions bc you know how deeply the other person feels for what he or she is defending. No reply is necessary only if you feel the need to which I would hope that you would, but in the instant that you decide not to I hope that you will find what I am talking about and never look back because you cant change the past, but only change the outcome of your future. "

What Not To Do While On-Line Dating: Lesson 1

Do not contact people that have a trait or situation that is not going to work for you. For example, if you don’t want to date someone with kids, then do not wink and email anyone with two rug-rats.

These dating websites ask questions and post the answers on your profile in order to help you find a match: ignoring someone's requirements and specifications will help not you find an ideal match, and in many cases, will just get you blocked.

Lately I have been getting emails from readers who are on-line dating and their chief complaint is the communications they receive from potential dates outside their specifications. Here is an actual email exchange that ties in with this week’s lesson.
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Boy: Why no pics of knife juggling?

Girl: I do not want to appear too intimidating to potential dates… Visual reinforcement of this activity may prove too much.

[This] combined with my crazy pills, horizontal teeth, and my rap sheet tend to put a lot of sane guys off. Crap - did I just say all that out loud?

There is a picture of you in a sports uniform - what do you play?

Boy: Whatever. You can't have a [screen]name like Knife_juggler, talk about it in your profile, then not show pictures to back it up. Knife juggling is a plus, so that cancels out the rap sheet. Bad teeth and crazy pills are a deal breaker though. So you smoke occasionally? The sports uniform? That would be Icarus. Think rugby, but hardcore.

Girl: Yes, I smoke occasionally. Mainly when I am having drinks with my friends. I don't smoke during the day, and I only smoke without beer if I am extremely stressed out.... Got to keep the bad habits in check.

Boy: That's a shame about the smoking. Although I read it on your profile, you were too irrisistable to pass up writing. Looks like you're trying to quit though. I'm unfortnately allergic to cigarette smoke. Need help quiting completely? ;)

Girl: Shame about the dog. Although they are cute and fun, I am allergic. Maybe you’d like help quitting your pet?

Guess you shouldn’t email girls who have anything other than “I don’t smoke” checked on their profile, no matter how irresistible. Or maybe that was your way of being funny? Either way – you failed.

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 3

When trying to attract the female of the species, please post a main profile photo of yourself that does not have posters of Jenna Jameson and other ladies of ill repute in the background. If you are over 21, posters of naked chics on your walls make you look like a perv.

Plus, this kind of profile picture makes you look like a douche-face liar when you state things on your profile like, "looking for love and a meaningful long-term relationship".

Also bear in mind the message naked girls on your wall sends to women. It tells them what standards you will hold them to: airbrushed porno standards.

Celebrity Look-A-Like #4: Slash

Quick - Someone call “Guns-N-Roses” – their old lead guitarist is internet dating. This Slash wanna-be would get his ass kicked by the Real Slash: Fake Slash doesn’t smoke and is only a social drinker. How un-80's metal band. Also, in his main profile photo you can see tattoos, but under the body art selection he checked “none”.

Did the drugs destroy Slash’s brain and he now has to use the internet to pick up chics, or is Fake Slash a wanna-be who thinks looking like an 80's guitar legend will help him score?

You decide:
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* 34-year-old man
* seeking women 18-35

About my life and what I'm looking for:
So tired to describe myself but i am cool.I am an independent guy looking for a good lady to spend my time with. I like to have fun when I get the chance to go out. I make time for the people I care about and I'm very close with my friendes… I can't sing but i listen to all genres of music. I love cars, driving, electronic gadgets, office supplies, naps, reading, shopping, kissing and watching tv/movies. I love animals so if you have pets, great! That’s kinda me in a nutshell.

For Fun:
Almost anything. Camping, Movies and music

Smoke: No Way
Drink: Social drinker, maybe one or two

Body Art:
* None

* Music and concerts
* Playing sports
* Wine tasting

Occupation: Other profession
Income: No Answer

Douchebag of the Week #3: Playgirl Cover Model

This guy is going to brag about being a Playgirl Cover Man in 2005 at every opportunity and then act too cool in his bio. What a Douchebag.

You're a model? Really? Did you feel the need to reinforce that claim by posting a topless profile picture?

The one thing I am curious about though is what he does for a living: exotic dancer, drug-dealer, rent boy, trust fund guy? Why the ambiguity?

Here's the profile for this week's Douchebag.
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PLAYGIRL COVER MAN DEC 2005

* 34-year-old man
* seeking women 18-46

About my life and what I'm looking for:
I have been voted one of the top 20 most eligible bachelors of [city, state]. I just got back from climbing the K2 backwards, barefooted without complaining. I have been told that I have a dynamic personality by my chinese pug Stormin Norman. I guess one favorite past time that I could share with you would be.. one time I was running through the Hollywood Hills naked when I got scoped out by Playgirl magazine and landed the December 2005 cover and centerfold issue. Heide told me that I am the benchmark to which all other men are judged by at her Bordello in Vegas. I continuously amaze others as well as myself.

For fun:
Rock Climbing Mountain Biking Traveling Snow Boarding Football Basketball

My job:
You'll just have to meet me to find out

My ethnicity:
Euroasain

Favorite hot spots:
Axis Radius, Seven 7, Dos Gringo's, Mi Cocina's, Bronx, Steel

Favorite things:
Asain Food Fav color - Blue When its raining - stay inside and drink wine Shopping - Plano...for obvious reasons Fav Book - Your Best Life Now, A million little pieces

Last read:
Playboy..haha jk

Celebrity Look-A-Like #3: Vanilla Ice

Hey, Vanilla Ice, stop winking at me. I am sorry, but I’m just not interested.

When I was 13, I really dug “Ice, Ice Baby”. I still dance and sing along to it when it comes on at 80s night in the club, and I felt sorry for you after you were on VH1’s “Surreal Life”. I respect that you’ve grown as a person since your days as “Vanilla”, but hey – aren’t you married? Why the hell are you on an on-line dating website? You fuck! I hope you wife finds out and cuts your fucking balls off. You have now ruined, “Ice” for me forever. Thanks a lot you fucking asshole.

“I grabbed my nine, all I heard were shells”

Vanilla’s profile does not mention his stint on a reality TV show or rap:
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I am in a great place in my life now. I like my career, love my family and friends, and enjoy life. I have a happy go lucky personality and look forward to sharing that with someone one day. Basically, if I am not working I am working out at the gym, but I like to do so many things.

For Fun:
I love to hang out with family and friends. In my free time I get to the gym 6 days a week. I enjoy movies and great food. I love being active and making the most of each day. We only live once!

My Religion:
I am a strong believer but like many of us I have not been as active in the church as I need to. Looking forward to improving in that area.

Favorite Hot Spots:
I love to try as many restaurants as I can. As far as traveling anything tropical, but one trip I would love to go on is an Alaskan Crusie I hear great things about it.

Douchebag of the Week #2: Ex-Chippendale Dancer

Isn’t that the kind of thing you wait to tell people on the third or forth date? Oh wait, you are trying to impress girls with that tidbit and the cheesy modeling photo you used as a main profile picture. How old is this picture anyway, ‘cause you are 41.

There are a lot of old guys in the on-line dating scene who are really aggressive in their assertions that although they may be 41, or 52, or 45 – they look and feel young. They tend to blend this assertion with telling you how active and fit they are.

Fellows: you are old. Deal with it gracefully. Saying how young you look and feel and how physically fit you are only makes you look old and pathetic. This guys gets extra Douchebag points though for all his "get to know the real me underneath my good looks" poppycock.
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* 41-year-old man
* seeking women 30-48

Favorite hot spots:
My favorite place is the beach. An ideal date would be to go to the beach all afternoon, play in the sun and water. Later, find a restaurant on the water and enjoy each others company. Then take a walk on the moonlit beach, and see what happens...

Favorite things:
My favorites: Food- Italian (but I never get to eat it-fattening).

About my life and what I'm looking for:
Hi... Here I am. Do you really think you see the real "me" from this "format?" I look better, and AM better in person. And, can you really know me from 15 pictures and a thousand word bio? If you think so, then ____________ is the perfect place for you. Honestly, there is much more to me than just my cover. You really should open me up and take a look inside. It will be worth the trip... However, it's not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you. I am a humble, confident, outgoing and positive person. If I've grabbed your attention, please read on.

I don't think of myself as a billboard. But as far as describing 'me': I am decent, giving, happy, and kind. I am thankful for the many blessings I have been given, but am so far from being a player, a poser, or a chaser. I am a former Professional Athlete (Soccer), and was a Chippendale Dancer. I have seen it all!

This is how I live my life. I walk the walk! I am looking forward to meeting a woman who inspires me, and one who I inspire and connect with. I am low-maintenance and fun to be with. I enjoy my life, and would love to share it with someone.

I have been told that my looks make me stand out. I do not dwell on this. The best of me is on the inside. I do, however, try to look and feel my best. Physical fitness is a key factor in my life. As is "mind-fitness". I've worked hard at my body, mind, and soul. I feel and look better at 41 than I did at 31.

I guess I want the whole package because I feel I am the whole package. I am loyal, honest, humble, secure, confident, and kind. I believe in the soul. I believe in true love, and I believe in slow, deep, wet kisses that last for days.

** DISCLAIMER: Please pass me by if you are into nightly partying...
Happy hunting...