Freak of the Week #1: Dude Looks Like A Lady

Please only post a picture of yourself as your primary photo. Imagine my confusion when I opened my “Daily 5”, which is a set of 5 guys that Match.com emails subscribers on a daily basis, and I see a photo of a lady. An old lady. Had I had just been paired with an over 50 heterosexual tranny by my on-line dating service?

Bastards.

After staring at my computer screen for a good minute, befuddled as fuck, I began to think that maybe this guy wasn’t a tranny. Maybe some guy uploaded a picture of his mom instead of himself, or maybe he has a granny fetish.

I had to check out this profile and find out what was going on with this guy.

It took me going through this guy’s profile to decipher that the 50+ woman in his main profile picture is not him dressed in drag. So, is it his mom? I haven’t the foggiest. After reading his rant about women and mothers though – he very well could suffer from Norman Bates syndrome.

Posting a good and actual photo of yourself as a main profile picture is detrimental to cyber-dating success. Some folks just don’t seem to have common sense enough to get that. I wonder how many emails this dude and his mom have received from women? My guess is zilch.

Check out what Norman had to say:
_________________________________________________________________

* 32-year-old man
* seeking women 30-50

About My Life And What I'm Looking For:

I am ambitious, purposeful man with interesting life. I just need my second half, nothing else. I could tell to you a lot of good about myself. But it would be silly in all .

I believe in the family unit. The mother is the center of it all: being the main heart which beats for the man and the children. We all use her love to replenish our own hearts with joy and warmth, and we honor her for this. I also believe the man to be the leader of the family. When trouble arises from the outside world, his body will be a shield, and cover his wife and children as they huddle underneath him. He should be like a rock these outside negative forces break themselves against when trying to harm his family and his love. His best friend: his wife. I have been around the world, on my own… and when I say I will be somewhere, I will be, so you better be waiting with open arms and a warm smile if you ask me to come! I am not interested in games, so please don’t contact me if you are not serious about finding your soul mate. I am looking for that special someone who has eluded me so far in my life: my soul mate, my true love, my one and only, forever... If you really want to know more about me, what I like, what drives me and what fuels the passion in my heart to write, to be creative, to live, everyday, and love life, discover the name of the band and the song behind these lyrics: “Was it in the cold of that knife you screwed in the heart of the enduring? 'Cause when you opened that door, you knew, well now, there'd be no returning, Or room to mourn what we have lost, to wait while the willing.

Things People Lie About on Their On-Line Dating Profile: #1 - Smoking

As I investigate the on-line dating sub-culture, I have noticed a few common things people lie about. Because yes, to much shock and horror, people on the internet lie. In reality, on-line dating profiles contain the same lies that you may hear at a bar on a Friday night, although it’s much easier to sniff out a rat when they’re sitting right across from you, looking you in the eye, their little whiskers twitching away. It’s not shocking that someone in search of booty or a relationship would be dishonest, no matter the environment, but what is interesting is the commonality and just how many things are lied about.

The lie that I am addressing today is one that permeates male online dating profiles, and it concerns smoking. On Match.com under the “do you smoke” question, your options are:

No Answer
No Way
Occasionally
Daily
Cigar aficionado
Trying to Quit

The non-smokers always check “No Way”, because you know how non-smokers are. They let their smoking preference be known and they aren’t afraid to make city and statewide laws about where you can smoke. Bitches.

On the other hand, many smokers lie about the amount they smoke. It’s to the point where I think it is fair to say that if anyone checks anything other than the “No Way” box – they smoke, and they smoke more than they let on. However, I must point out that the dude who's picture I've posted here checked the "No Way" box on the smoking question but has a picture of himself with a cigarette. So, does he smoke when he drinks or is his picture just a joke?

An ex-boyfriend of mine is on my dating network, and he chain smokes after waking up in the morning, takes frequent smoke breaks at work, smokes in the car continuously, and he has to wear a nicotine patch on long plane rides. The box he checked in the smoking column is “Occasionally”. The audacity: I’m the real “Occasional” smoker. After I saw his profile, I sent him an email asking why he’s lying about the smoking, and he said, “because I’m trying to cut down”. If that is true, he needs to check “Trying to Quit”. This informs potential dates that you’re a hard-core smoker that is addicted, but you toy with the idea of quitting occasionally.

Another liar I met on this dating website smokes as much as my ex, and he also checked the “Occasionally” box. He constantly has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and on those rare occasions when the cigarette is not in his mouth, he wheezes. If you are smoking a pack a day – you are a daily smoker. The “Occasional” description of the amount he smokes is just plain dishonest, although, in his defense, he isn’t very forthright in general.

I met another guy who checked the “Cigar Aficionado” box, and after months of dating, I never saw him smoke a cigar. He likes the occasional clove, and tends to smoke when he drinks and during study breaks. Perhaps I am mistaken, but doesn’t this make you an “Occasional” smoker?

So, thank you liars, for filling my on-line dating experience with little surprises. In the meantime, stop lying on your on-line dating profile. All lies are quickly discovered and all rats are eventually sniffed out. I should stock up on Arsenic.

I would also like for online dating networks to add a "pot smoker" option to profiles, as I have met more than one pothead through online dating websites. Not that these guys would be honest about their drug use on a profile anyway, but it would be amusing.

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 7

Do not try too hard to be funny and cute in your main profile picture. It never works. Look at this guy : a Merman. Seriously?

If I saw his fishtailed butt swimming anywhere near my ship I’d harpoon his ass.

I readily admit that I am one of those ladies who is looking for a guy with a good sense of humor, and dating someone who can be a bit goofy is a lot fun. However, whenever a guy is trying too hard to be funny, it’s just awkward for me.

Putting this photo as your main profile picture screams “Attention Whore” as well. This guy will do anything for attention and these types of people are scary, as they have no dignity or shame.

Post a normal picture of yourself and show us how funny you are by making a good joke in your profile introduction. Leave the dodgy photo shopping of yourself as mythological creatures – especially those that are associated with being girly – the hell alone.

Unless you really are a super lame attention whore – if that’s the case, thank you for letting me know upfront instead of 3 dates in what a freak you are.

Celebrity Look-A-Like #5: Max Cady

This guy’s profile picture makes me think of Max Cady, the villain played by Robert DiNero in Cape Fear. Especially the opening scene: all the tattoos, the bench press, "the healthy release of serotonin".

Once again, here is another example of the type of photo you should not post as your main profile picture. It’s scary.

Also, Max's spelling of "serotnonin" is exactly why people need to spell check what they write before they post.

While you don’t want someone who rambles on in their profile introductions for paragraphs upon paragraphs, you need to give us more info about yourself besides you like to work out and listen to music. The "about you" section shouldn’t be this sparse, unless the writer is posting from jail, then this profile is completely appropriate and forget everything I just said.

“I understand, I'm not your type, too many tattoos. Thing is, there isn't much to do in prison except desecrate your flesh.” Max Cady – Cape Fear 1991

Mr. Cady's profile:
_____________________________________________________________

Looking for female that enjoys life has a good attitude and is grateful for what she has. a positive well respectful and sure of themselves

For fun:
wORK OUT LISTEN TO MUSIC

About my life and what I'm looking for
I am a young man that loves to work out and release positive and healthy serotnonin Iam very happy and grateful and have a great personality and sense of humor I love music and want to share the gift of life with a lucky and special female


Exercise habits: Exercise 5 or more times per week
Interests: No Answer
Education: Associates degree
Occupation: Retail / Food services
Income: No Answer

Status Update #1: eHarmony Sucks Hairy Balls

I reluctantly re-entered the on-line dating world after a devastating break-up with a man I thought I'd grow old with: a man I met on an on-line dating website called Match.com. After meeting on-line and dating for 10 months, out of nowhere one day when we were in South Africa, he picked up his backpack, turned his back on me, and walked off down a dirt road; leaving me totally alone standing in the tall grass. He never said a word.

He didn't literally leave me on a roadside in South Africa. Oddly enough, that was the nightmare I had the day before he got all freaked out about "us" and stopped speaking to me. The break-up was excruciatingly cruel and I was beyond heart-broken when he left. My soul felt dead. My body was like one of Persephone's shades mournfully flittering across earth.

After all break-ups, even the ones where the guy acts like a complete weasel fucker, you eventually have to get back on the horse, or at least that is what everyone tells you. As I held a big fat-ass grudge against Match.com for introducing me to man who treated me like I gave him an STD and murdered his puppy, I decided to sign up for eHarmony.

What a mistake.

I went on two dates with guys from eHarmony. One was a nasty little hobbit that lied about his height, and the date consisted of me getting my ear raped for 2 hours.

However, I don't blame eHarmony for the bad dates, they just suck hairy, elephant balls. Period. This is why:

1.) The website selects matches for you. They do this based off a series of questionnaires that you fill out when you sign up for eHarmony. Apparently eHarmony thinks I am a good match for severely overweight truck drivers.

2.) After you are sent a certain number of matches per week, you do not get any more matches for a week - sometimes more. So if you get 20 matches that all happen to be sewer cleaners that haven't posted any pictures of themselves - tough tits - you don't get any more matches till next week.

3.) You can only buy subscriptions in 3, 6, or 12 month increments. The monthly subscription option is expensive as hell, and the seven day free trail doesn’t allow you to communicate with other members.

4.) The profiles are a set up as questions that everyone has to write out an answer for. They use the same set of questions, so everyone sounds the same.

Example: "Who is the most influential person in your life besides your parents?"
Answer: 85% say their grandparents, 5% say their brother, and 5% name one of their parents anyway.

5.) The "customer service" at eHarmony is a fucking joke. I had to deal with their customer service agents on two occasions, and one of them was for eHarmony automatically renewing my subscription after I attempted to cancel it. Bastards.

6.) The same people with eHarmony accounts also have accounts on Match.com (which is cheaper) and Plenty of Fish (which is free).

I wouldn't recommend eHarmony to an actual human, but maybe I would to a hobbit.

Douchebag of the Week #4: Hollywood

This guy is so full of vinegar and water that he sloshes when he walks. Not only did he post numerous headshots and other modeling photos in his profile, but the profile reads word for word what you would expect from a $30,000 millionaire, narcissistic fucktard.

If you are a model or an actor - sure: post one of your headshots along with your more candid photos. After all, your career is part of your personality and your profile is supposed to introduce us females to who you are. Overuse of the photos from of your model portfolio though, especially accompanied by an egotistical wankfest of an introduction, is just rampant douchebaggery.

Judging from his profile, there is no room for anyone else in the relationship he has with himself.

See for yourself:
____________________________________
* seeking women 101-121

About my life and what I'm looking for:
WELL, SOMEONE WHO ISN'T ON PAROLE FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER, SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T TAKE VALIUM LIKE IT'S A PEZ DISPENSER, AND SOMEONE WHO ISN'T A [slang term for someone from a certain state]! I MEAN, YUK!!

In closing, I like someone who knows how to laugh and isn't afraid to smile!!! I'm an expert at flirting, and I hope you can keep up with me!!!

In general, I'm a total goof-ball. My basic interests include being feisty while cooking dinner for you. I also have a busy job which doesn't pay me much $ today, but I'm dang good at it so watch out for me being a sugar daddy tomorrow.

However, my major turnoff is someone that is uptight and doesn't know how to laugh at life's daily occurrences. Money doesn't drive me, but it would be nice to ride around in a private jet one day.

… I'm a geek at heart, but I'm not that lame. I can read B. S. very quickly as I mastered the heart myself out in Hollywood.

I was born and raised in [city, state] but I went to the University of [state] where I studied film history/screenwriting. I told you I was geeky! HA!

For Fun:
In my spare time, I like to fight albino alligators in the Artic triangle, I rope mean toros in the Sahara dunes, and I eat a piece of sushi with a piece of steak in it. Above all else, I AM THE OFFICIAL AMBASSADOR TO ALL THINGS [college]!!!

My Job:
Basically, if you've seen Entourage on HBO, I do the job of Arie Gold at a prestigious agency in [city].

My ethnicity:
Typical American: Half Latin - Half Anglo - Qt. Italian, dark & handsome! I went to the UNIVERSITY OF [State] (film school)...worked at DREAMWORKS, MGM, ICM, and in Trivial Pursuit

Favorite hot spots:
Anywhere that accepts the Joey T experience!!! :-P ps--hopefully, you don't take life too serious...major turnoff!

Favorite things:
I'd like to chat with you about my favorite things to do on our first date...duh! Or else we would have nothing to chat about except how damn cute we are! ps---I'm a little sassy with a tad bit of sugar and spice. Hope you can keep up!!!



Education: No Answer
Occupation: Executive / Management
Income: No Answer

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 6

Please to do not write a page-length metaphor about a river as your on-line dating profile into.

I love me some literary devices, but when I know nothing about you except that you have a beard like Grizzly Adams, do not rant about how life is like a river. You are not Garth Brooks.

After Grizzly makes us read through his river rant, he dives into details about all the women he’s had relationships with. That info has no place on an on-line dating profile and should only be divulged in a conversation with your new romantic interest when the subject has been naturally broached. No wonder no one has winked at his profile.

Maybe I am just in a pissy mood today, but after reading through that river shite I want to mow down this guy’s river raft with my ship and give him a proper keelhaul. What's a shame is that this guy might actually be a fun date for a nice outdoorsy type woman; I mean heck, he likes to river raft. However, no woman is going to read through all the hippie douchebag crap on his profile, let alone shoot him an email.

Please lay off the ganja before you fill out your on-line dating profile introduction, Mr. Adams.

Grizzly’s Profile:
____________________________________________________________
About my life and what I'm looking for:
Life is like a river flowing calmly and majestically downward curving this way and that way with rocks and steep walls that need to be negotiated. As you take the journey down the river it speeds up moving ever faster downward and becomes quite violent, the water now flows over the rocks and forms big holes in the river. You move this way and that way dogging and negotiating what mother earth has put before you. But no matter how hard you try you will mess up and bump against rock or fall into that hole and it seems like all will be lost to the river. But some how with faith in life you recover and nothing is lost and you are stronger and more knowledgeable about how you approach the next stretch of the river. Knowing that you have survived what has been another great adventure and wonderful journey in life you will do it again and again until you get it right.

I married when I was young and she was younger but on and off we did last 8 years together. I then meet another wonderful woman and had a lot going with her, it was good thing until lust got me and the her control drove me away, we were together for 12 years. The one I lusted after was truly fun everyone loved her, but she was not willing to help out when it came to making life better…

I have my own pension income and a jack of all trades so to speak, so I am in demand for small jobs for buying my extra man toys in life.
I have not signed up yet for I don't want to get sucked in buy some affiliate trying to stifle money out of me. I've had 117 views of my pic, 48 profile views, 2 emails and whopping 0 winks ! More winks more emails then maybe I'll find my next love, patients my love.

For fun:
Have lots of free time being retired. I've been building my on solar system and have my living room running on green. Planting a garden and getting the boat ready for some river trips. Hiking to the nearby hot springs for some early moring soaks.