Douchebag of the Week #3: Best Lover EVER

I have discovered through the course of my life that any guy who brags about how awesome he is in bed usually sucks donkey balls at sex, and the more they brag about it – the worse they are. At this rate, this guy must be the worst lay ever.

Considering he is trying to woo females in cyberspace, he really shouldn’t have written in all caps either. I don’t like getting yelled at; especially when the yelling revolves around how good of a lover you are. Lovers don’t yell at females when they are courting, novice. He keeps talking about lips too, and that is so subjective during sex conversations: which set of lips is he thinking about? What a creep.

He also disses his fat and bald competition. Why the hate? Some overweight and bald guys are pretty attractive, especially in comparison to some conceited Bee Gee reject.

I’ve got the fucking “Stayin Alive” lyrics stuck in my head now. I hate this guy for that.

Here’s this lover’s own words:
_____________________________________________________________
SEXY TAKECHARGE MALE, SEEKS A OPENMINDED LADY FOR NON STOP PASSION... ARE YOU THE ONE?

LADIES IF YOU DO NOT LIKE SEXY GUYS I AM NOT FOR YOU ..THERE ARE PLENTY OF BALD AND FAT GUYS OUT THERE FOR YOU..I AM ALL MAN AND VERY TAKE CHARGE AND A EXCELLENT LOVER AND YOU BE TO OR I WILL TEACH YOU..... I WOULD BE WILLING TO RELOCATE FOR THE RIGHT LADY.... LOOK AT MY PHOTOS YOU CAN HAVE ME 24/7 THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.....IT IS ABOUT TIME FOR YOU TO BE HAPPY.........LADIES REMEMBER I AM NOT YOUR AVERAGE MAN..I WILL MAKE YOU FELL LIKE YOU ARE 15 AGAIN WE WILL BE MAKING OUT DAILY SO GET YOU LIPS IN SHAPE, WE WILL START OUT MAKING OUT 1 HOUR PER DAY THEN THEN GET TO 3 HOURS, YOUR GIRL FRIENDS WILL HATE YOU WHEN THEY FIND ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE, REMEMBER SEX KEEPS YOU YOUNG AND YOU WILL NEVER BE BORED, YOU BODY WILL BE A BUFFET FOR ME DAILY, JUST BE YOURSELF AT ALL TIMES I WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR MIND FIRST…

SO STOPING WASTING TIME AND CONTAC ME NOW AND GET YOUR LIPS IN SHAPE...

For fun:
I LIKE TO GAMBLE...

My job:
...SEEKING A OPEN MINDED LADY, WHO DRESSES LIKE A LADY YOU BE VERY FEM, AND LOVE TO BE SPOILED IN A LTR.........

My religion:
....I AM DIVORCED KNOW KIDS MY X WAS A HIGH FASHION MODEL....MOST PEOPLE SAY I AM ONE OF A KIND... LET'S GROW OLD TOGETHER.

Favorite hot spots:
LASVEGAS.... BEACH NIGHT CLUBS IN VEGAS AND FLORIDA ECT.

Favorite things:
GETTING TO NO LADY'S MIND SEE WHAT MAKES HER TICK, I WANT TO NO YOUR FANTASIES WHAT TURNS YOU MUST BE VERY OPEN, YOUR BRAIN IS EVERTHING THING TO ME…

Last read:
PEOPLE SAY I LOOK LIKE ONE OF THE BEE GEES, THE PLEASURE ZONES OF A WOMENS BODY…

On-Line Dating Email Etiquette: Lesson 2

When contacting someone you are interested in from an on-line dating website do not harass them through email after they do not respond to your initial communication.

If you email a girl and she doesn’t respond: she's not interested. Continuing to barrage her with emails will not make her change her mind and makes you look desperate and mentally unbalanced.

Also, calling a girl racist in order to guilt her into contacting you is fucking pathetic. Furthermore, after you call her racist, do not email her a comment about her tits, loser. You just validated any reason she had for not emailing you back in the first place.

Oh, and one more thing: Try spelling out words like “you” and “you’re” and try spelling “is” properly. LOL Cats is pissed you’re ripping off his shtick.

Here is the barrage of emails an admirer sent to a reader of mine.
_____________________________________________________

Boy:
Subject: hmmmm Sent Date: 5/9/2009
Without music there would be a lot more crazy people in the world!...lol Its beautiful like love, sex, and most of nature.PURE

Boy:
Subject: so... Sent Date: 5/11/2009
What's up...I think ur really cute..I would like to chat if ur somewhat interested:)

Boy:
Subject: ???? Sent Date: 5/20/2009
Please tell me ur not one of those females who view my profile everyday...but doesn't say hi?!?

Boy:
Subject: hey Sent Date: 5/23/2009
Ur hot!:)

Boy:
Subject: hey Sent Date: 5/25/2009
Text me if u want [Name] [phone number]

Boy:
Subject: TGIF:p Sent Date: 5/29/2009
Yeah Yeah.....IM @ [name]music on yahoo if u want!

Boy:
Subject: ???? Sent Date: 5/31/2009
I like the new pics;).....so why won't u talk to me....iz it cause I'm not white...lol or maybe didn't life styles....idk....u should let me rock ur world:)

Boy:
Subject: So… Sent Date: 6/5/2009
Can't say I'm not disappointed! I guess u fall in the catagory of those females that stalk the profile but never say hi even after I've contacted u....it jus gets frustrating, I think ur really cute and u seem down to earth, BUT...guess I'll never know!

Boy:
Subject: my goodness:p Sent Date: 6/10/2009
I notice something else other than ur wing span :p
Very nice

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 5

Once again, remember that any main profile picture you post on your on-line dating profile will be the first thing people see, and will therefore be the first impression you send to the on-line world.

Ladies, if you are brazen enough to post a main profile picture of yourself with a stripper pole: you better own that pole with effervescent confidence. This poor girl looks intimidated and awkward.

Photos with stripper poles also reek of desperation. Personally, I think any pictures with stripper poles are only going to attract a certain type of male; but if you don’t mind an inbox full of emails from mouth-breathing, crotch-watchers: go ahead.

One more thing, on-line daters should be aware of contradictory messages they could be sending out. Don’t tell us you’re not into material things and then put down “Confessions of a Shop-A-Holic” as the last thing you read.

Here are wanna-be stripper’s details:
_______________

Hopefully there is such a thing as a "perfect match"... that remains to be seen. I'm looking for someone who has some ambition and is just as crazy as I am. Can jump up at a whim and take off or just take it easy and relax. Be social w/ all types of people, as I have a wide variety of friends and doesn't want to keep me in the shadows. I don't want to pay your bills or support you...so don't ask!! Be real and be yourself :)

Favorite things:
Italian food, movies w/ dry sarcastic humor, cooking w/ friends and family, love all types of music, shopping-especially if shoes are involved! ha ha. Overall my favorite things aren't really matrerial-they are the things in life that make me smile:)

Last read:
Confessions of a shop-a-holic

What Not To Post On Your On-Line Dating Profile: Lesson 4

Do not post a photo of yourself with a woman whose face you have cut out or blacked out with a sharpie. It’s creepy - on a potential serial killer level.

At least Photoshop her entire body out of the picture, better yet, just post a picture of yourself with no one else in the shot.

Whenever I see a photo like this it makes me think: who is this girl? Why is her face scratched out? Do you hate her? Did you murder her? What waterway is her body in? Are you going to murder your next girlfriend? Will you murder me if I don’t respond to you?